


best of friends

by kaiohtic



Category: EXO (Band), K-pop
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, F/M, Genderbending, Romance, Teen Angst, female!sehun, het!sekai
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-10
Updated: 2017-05-19
Packaged: 2018-03-09 12:18:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 28,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3249416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaiohtic/pseuds/kaiohtic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>this is the journey of best friends kim jongin and oh sehee.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Kim Jongin prides himself with being Oh Sehee’s best friend. And when he says best friend, he means best friend. There is no other person Sehee trusts as much as him - no same aged person at least, because Sehee talks a lot to her mother and confides in her a lot as well. But to be male and around Sehee’s age and to know all of her secrets? There is just one person like that and it is Kim Jongin.

Oh Sehee is one of the tallest girls at school. She had been cute and small before, a lot tinier than Jongin was, but in the recent years she has grown a lot. To an extent she had been asked to model. With her pale, ivory skin and her royal face - say princess and Jongin will think of his best friend - she makes the perfect model. So far, Sehee has only been to photo shootings for different teenage magazines and a few catalogs, but Jongin is sure that she can become a big name, even as runway model, if she keeps working like this. Of course he has seen her at work, has seen Sehee morphing from the pretty faced tomboy into a cute girl or a sexy lady, and although he doesn’t feel too comfortable with the whole world being able to see Sehee like that, he feels pride, too. Because Jongin is the one who has grown up with her. Because Jongin is the one who has taught her a thing or two. He is also the one who has protected the fragile flower to bloom into the beautiful person she is today.

Kim Jongin and Oh Sehee always come in two, they don’t abandon each other. Or that is what Jongin has thought.

 

 

 

 

“Kim Jongin, bestest of all best friends, I need your help.”

Jongin is still half asleep. He tries swatting Sehee’s hand away, a little irritated at being poked repeatedly. Seconds later Sehee’s face appears right in front of him, the girl standing in front of his desk and leaning down, closer, and Jongin has to swallow. Sehee is getting better with being girlish by day and Jongin doesn’t think he can survive any longer with a girl that cute next to him. His heart beats too loud, too fast, and one thing that he hates is having a crush on his best friend. But bestest of all best friends don’t burden their bestest of all best friends, so he keeps quiet and hopes Sehee won’t notice. Not that he really needs to hope for that, because Sehee is probably the most oblivious fifteen-year-old he has ever had the pleasure to get to know.

“Sehee, sit down. Your ass is wiggling in the air and that’s not what you want them dickheads to see.”

Sehee blushes at the words and straightens up, sitting down on the chair that Baekhee has pulled over for her to sit down.

“Girl, you need to be more careful. Jongin and I won’t be around 24/7 to protect you,” the other girl sighs before she takes place on Jongin’s desk, sitting there as if it was the most natural thing to do. It is, but only for someone like Baekhee, indifferent and full of sass. And although Baekhee’s words are disturbing at times, Jongin appreciates the shorter girl looking out for Sehee when he is not there. Jongin can only do this much as a male friend to shield Sehee from unwanted attention, when Sehee is so careless. It is Baekhee who reminds Sehee how to observe her surroundings for threats and how to act, how to behave when it gets dangerous. Dangerous as in machos and slimy guys trying to hook up with her.

“Sorry, Baek,” Sehee pouts, arms rounding her female best friend’s waist. Her head is resting on Baekhee’s lap as the slightly older girl twirls reddish locks with her finger.

“So what do you need help with?” Jongin asks, trying to get back to the conversation Sehee tried to strike up earlier.

“Can you do me a favor? Can we go shopping together after school?”

 

 

 

 

What Baekhee calls a date between them - both Sehee and Jongin protest loudly, Sehee with a frown and Jongin with a light blush - turns out to be a shopping marathon in preparation for a date. Jongin feels a stab in his heart when Sehee confesses later, after school ended and after Baekhee excused herself to run after and fling her body against her boyfriend Park Chanyeol.

“I have a date on Saturday noon and I’d like to look good. And since you’re a guy, I wanted to ask for your help. I mean, I could ask Baekhee, but she talks too much and if it was her, she’d put me in these ridiculous pink dresses and I don’t want that.” Sehee is nervous, Jongin can tell, with her lower lip worried between her teeth, and, as the bestest of all best friends ever, Jongin gives her a smile.

“I’ll help you, so no need to worry, alright? We’ll find the perfect outfit for you.”

“Thanks, Jong. You’re really the best that happened to me.” Sehee’s smile is bright and the more do her words hurt. He might be the best for her, but not in the romantic sense, but in a platonic meaning, and lately, Jongin finds himself questioning if things could change between them. Confessing is a scary thing though and choosing between Sehee as his best friend or no Sehee at all, when there were chances of everything turning the worst way, the decision is quickly made.

 

 

 

 

It takes two hours to find the right clothes, a pastel blue blouse with small ribbons at the puff sleeves, and a black, pleated skirt with lace at the hem that reach down to her knees. Sehee looks a lot younger in that outfit, very innocent, and Jongin can only hope her date doesn’t like his possible soon to be girlfriend to be this naive and inexperienced kind of girl.

They go shopping for cosmetics, too, although Jongin has never liked the idea of shopping much, least of all girl stuff, but for Sehee’s sake, no sacrifice would be big enough. In retrospect though, Jongin wonders how he survived that day.

Sehee has pulled him inside and the shop assistant, some overly happy and bubbly girl, has been by her side immediately, commenting how cute they were together. Sehee is quick to deny them being a couple, pretty and shy little smile on her face, while Jongin just laughs nervously. How much he would give for one date with Sehee, even if they ended up going shopping like this, too, instead of one of their gaming sessions or movie marathons or skateboard dates.

It is fascinating to see how much time a girl could spend in a make-up store. Sehee, too, despite always being on the more tomboyish side, he discovers now, is not different from any other girl. She, too, tries out different products, from BB cream to powder, different rouge tones and eye make-up. But the thing that has Jongin’s heart pounding painfully against his ribcage is Sehee trying out lipstick and lipgloss. No matter what shade of red or pink, her lips always look enticing to him. They keep his gaze firmly set on them, alluring, like the rest of Sehee’s being, but with Jongin having to focus on her lips alone for the first time, he feels overwhelmed. He never noticed just how kissable she was, and now he is sure that he will get into trouble if he starts daydreaming about kissing her.

“How does this color look?"

Jongin blinks, trying to tear his gaze away from her rose colored lips up towards her eyes.

“Pretty,” he says, offering a smile, but Sehee looks wary.

“Are you sure? Maybe red will be better. Or a darker shade of pink?”

Sehee has never been shopping like this before, too. Surely, Jongin has seen her in make-up, but only during photo shootings and modeling sessions. In real life, Sehee doesn’t wear any make up. She doesn’t need to. Her skin is flawless and looks best in natura, and her eyes are sparkling, the center of attention even without eyeliner and eye-shadow to draw more attention to them. Her lips are always a soft shade of pink. Sehee really doesn’t need any make-up, but it is her decision, still, and if she thinks make-up is needed to enhance her beauty, Jongin will surely not reject that idea. He is her biggest supporter after all and as best friend, he is supposed to be honest.

“Not red, that’s too provocative. I think a transparent gloss or a light rose would be most fitting with the outfit we chose earlier for you.”

Sehee nods agreeing with him and picking every item Jongin suggests. She ends up buying some mascara and eyeliner, too, recommended by the shop assistant, as well as a light BB cream, but no powder. “You don’t need that,” Jongin says and picks up some nail polish as well, adding it to the basket he is carrying. Sehee keeps nodding, wide smile on her face.

 

 

 

 

“I don’t know what I’d do without you,” she confesses later, when he brings her home, like the gentleman he is. They are standing at her doorstep.

“You still have Baekhee,” Jongin replies, forcing a smile to cover the dull pain in his chest.

“Right, but I’d still be lost without you. Thanks for everything,” Sehee says. “I’ll see you tomorrow at school.” She gives him a hug and Jongin watches his best friend going inside, waving at him before closing the door. He wonders if the gnawing feeling inside of his chest is a premonition, because her words sound so much like a goodbye, an ending to the chapter called best friends Jongin and Sehee.


	2. Chapter 2

Jongin doesn’t think that there might be an end to his friendship with Sehee. They have been best friends for so long that it feels weird not to spend majority of their time together. It is not only at school that they usually talk to each other and work together, but at home and around town, too. Sehee is an installment in his life, just as much as he is in Sehee’s. Or was. Jongin is not quite sure anymore.  
  
Ever since Sehee has told him about her date, Jongin wonders how it will be to share Sehee with another boy. So far, Sehee’s only male friend is Jongin and he never expected things to change. Her father and Jongin would always be the only men in Sehee’s life, especially, when Jongin has it all planned out. The second he has realized his crush on his best friend, he has been dreaming about a confession. He would do it in the most romantic way, with a nice dinner and a walk in the park at night. Or maybe he would confess to her on the day of graduation, picking her up to twirl her around and then press a kiss on her lips to celebrate. There are so many ways he could do it, and he has scheduled it for later, for when he is more confident and when they are both more mature.  
  
Despite telling himself so, Jongin knows the other big factor that influences his decision the most: fear. Jongin is worried, scared of what will happen once the secret is out. He wonders what will happen to his title “bestest of all best friends”. There is no problem if it is mutual, but Sehee is so pretty inside out that it is hard for him to believe that they could be a couple some day. Sehee surely has higher expectations for a boyfriend and Jongin doesn’t think he can meet her ideals yet. And so he just keeps his crush a secret, continuing on his path as Sehee’s best friend.  
  
With Sehee’s date on this weekend though, Jongin wonders if he should have told her. Would she not go on a date, knowing Jongin’s feelings for her? Sehee has always been kind-hearted, too soft and gentle for her own good, and sensitive, too. She doesn’t like hurting other people, least of all the ones important to her, so if he confessed, it would be a selfish thing to do. Because Sehee would sacrifice her own happiness for her best friend and that Jongin does not want either. He is the man, so he should be the one making sacrifices.  
  
  
  
  
  
“Jongin.”  
  
Jongin is barely awake, not even checking the display before answering the call. Instinctively, he knows that it can only be Sehee calling him so early in the morning, despite it being Saturday. There are no classes, but sometimes Sehee wakes him up early so they can go out together - shopping trips to Myeongdong or around Ewha university’s campus, culinary trips to Incheon’s chinatown, photography sessions inmidst of the city. Sometimes she calls him to remind him of their schedule, too, hers, actually, but she never goes to a modeling session without Jongin. He is not so much her personal assistant, but her coach and bodyguard, making sure she is doing fine, physically and mentally.  
  
Jongin can’t remember her mentioning anything of that sort for this Saturday though, but soon enough he understands. Sehee is nervous before her first date and Jongin has always been her moral support. She needs him today, too. He promises to come over as soon as possible. Sehee thanks him a thousand times and he shushes her, ending the call. With a sigh, he gets up and gets ready. It will be a tiring day, not so much for his body, but more for his heart and mind.  
  
  
  
  
  
“Jongin.” The moment Jongin enters her room, Sehee has stopped pacing. Instead, she latches onto him, sending them both toppling over and onto the floor. Sehee lands on top of Jongin and the boy groans, feeling her soft breasts pressed against his chest. Their groins are pressed together, too, and Jongin wishes Sehee would be more careful and less clumsy with her actions when exactly those actions do things to him he rather not experience. Not knowing is a blessing after all.  
  
“Sorry,” Sehee mumbles and rolls off of him, teeth digging into her lower lip.  
  
“It’s alright,” he replies courtly, sitting up. His eyes scan the room and he sees the items they have bought the other day on her bed. Sehee is not dressed up yet. She is wearing pink shorts and a white hoodie with cat ears, her usual home attire.  _Because it’s comfy_ , she has explained, but Jongin knows better. It’s Mrs. Oh forcing her daughter to be more female, because only recently she stopped wearing sweatpants and baggy sweaters.  
  
She is twirling a strand of her hair, still damp, and Jongin knows that she must have showered not too long ago.  
  
“When’s your date?” He inquires, although he would rather not know the details. And luckily, he has been spared. Until now.  
  
“At twelve. We’re going to meet at that Japanese place in Sinchon, you know, the one with the gundam figurines. I forgot the restaurant’s name.”  
  
Jongin checks the time. It is only eight o’ clock. There is still enough time. They can do it.  
  
  
  
  
  
Jongin sends Sehee into the bathroom to toweldry her hair some more and to change into the outfit already. He is not quite sure in which order girls are supposed to do this, but from all the modeling experiences Sehee has had and the things she has told him, he can guess that fitting the outfit comes first, before the hair would get styled up. Make-up would be the last.  
  
“It feels weird,” Sehee complains when she steps back into her room. Jongin has spent the time waiting on her desk chair, spinning and spinning and spinning around, just like they used to as kids. Even now they would do so occasionally, when Sehee feels silly. She would sit on his lap, ordering him to spin them around and Jongin would comply because everything she says is a command to him, something like that.  
  
“Why? You look pretty,” Jongin replies, but Sehee keeps picking at her blouse.  
  
“I know I wore these kind of clothes before, during photo shootings, but those were not my own. These are my own clothes and it is just weird, because I’ve never worn skirts and dresses in my free time and on my own free will.”  
  
Jongin can only sigh at that.  
  
“I don’t understand why you wanted to dress up then. Shouldn’t your date like you the way you are?”  
  
Sehee blushes softly at that, eyes gazing down to stare at her toes. “He does,” she mumbles. “But I want to surprise him. And I am curious, too. I want to see how it feels like to be a real girl.”  
  
Jongin nods, although he doesn’t quite understand. In his eyes, Sehee has always been a girl. But maybe that is just him.  
  
“Alright. Let’s get started then.”  
  
  
  
  
  
It probably takes them a lot longer than it would for people usually, but the result is decent. Jongin feels a little proud when Sehee’s make up is not too messy, her brown locks framing her face in a pretty, feminine way. It is all Sehee’s natural beauty combined with his artistic work.  
  
They have been watching a few tutorials on youtube to find out how to apply mascara and eyeliner the right way. There is nothing difficult about lipstick and Sehee has done that part by herself, but she chickened out with the simple eye make up. Admittedly, it was not all that simple, drawing even wings on each lid, but Jongin has managed somehow. With the soft brown eyeliner, her eyes seem wider than usual, dark lashes even longer and fuller. She looks different from usual, but not less beautiful.  
  
When Sehee looks at the mirror she keeps silent for a while. Slowly, she turns around to face her best friend, eyelids fluttering as telltale sign for upcoming tears.  
  
“Hey, don’t cry. Your make-up will smudge and we’d have to do it again. There’s not much time for that though,” Jongin says, trying to sound as cheerful as possible. It seems to work, because Sehee smiles wider, eyes crinkling, too.  
  
“I’m not going to cry, I’m doing my best, promise. Wouldn’t want to ruin your hard work, Kim Jongin. If Minseok compliments me on my date, you’ll be hired as personal make-up artist,” she jokes and stands up to hug him.  
  
“I wouldn’t mind working for you,” Jongin whispers, tone light, but inside of his head, he means it. If Sehee wants to have him as her personal stylist, he will become one, as long as it guaranteed him a secure place next to her.


	3. Chapter 3

“How was your date?”

Jongin and Sehee are sitting in the living-room, Sehee hovering over her homework and Jongin over his phone. He has been fiddling with it for a while now, unsure if he could ask her so bluntly. He is her best friend, so it is okay to ask, but it’s not like Sehee is obliged to tell him about every part of her life, even less her love life. In the end, he couldn’t help. Jongin had to ask or his curiosity will kill him, just as the weird feeling in his stomach. He thinks there’s a headache coming up as well.

“You mean yesterday?” Sehee is looking at him, lips curled up into a smile. It doesn’t quite reach her eyes, is not the full eye smile that expresses her happiness, rather an amused one. Jongin nods

“It was nice,” Sehee replies, a real smile appearing now, the one with sparkles in her eyes. Jongin’s stomach drops.

“Minseok is a real gentleman. He was really sweet.”

 

 

 

 

Jongin has always been Sehee’s pillar and greatest supporter and even now, with her date in half an hour, Jongin is still her hero. He has calmed her down, his guidance helping her to finally clear her head and start preparing. She is clad in the outfit they have chosen on a shopping trip together prior and the make up she is wearing now is not professional, but it makes her beauty shine still, more so, because it has been carefully applied by her best friend. At least that is what Sehee tells him.

“Thank you,” Sehee mumbles as they start walking towards the bus station.

“That’s what best friends are for,” Jongin reassures her, squeezing her hand. As long as Sehee remembers, Jongin has held her hand to calm her down, whether during the short breaktime before an exam or the second before she has to transform into someone else, a different persona to pose with the charisma model Oh Sehee apparently has, but normal student Oh Sehee has not. Jongin’s warm fingers around hers are like an anchor to tranquility, to everything that feels safe.

“I hope I won’t embarrass myself,” Sehee whispers, barely audible, and gets another squeeze in return.

“You won’t,” Jongin reassures her, voice oozing confidence that Sehee absorps.

“I won’t,” she repeats, not quite convinced yet, but she sounds a little more secure than a moment ago.

They are standing there, facing each other as they wait for the bus. Both their hands are holding on to the other’s hands now.

“You will do fine,” Jongin says, smiling encouragingly.

“Can’t you come with me?” Sehee asks, panicked, when she sees the bus approaching.

Jongin shakes his head, laughing. “It is a date. You are not supposed to bring along a friend without having asked before.”

“Only to the restaurant?” Her eyes are begging now, but Jongin stands firm.

“Here’s your handbag. Don’t lose it,” he says, handing over the bag. Sehee is not used to carry it around because usually, she uses her backpack. On the few occasions that she would use it, it is still Jongin carrying it for her, a reason people sometimes mistake them for a couple. Because a normal friend would never carry a female friend’s bag. But Jongin is not a normal friend, he is the bestest of all best friends to Sehee, and his tasks include everything that makes Sehee’s life just a little bit easier.

“You can do it,” he reassures her again, ushering her to the bus. The bus driver is watching them with interest, and Jongin pushes a bit, forcing her to step into the vehicle.

“Don’t worry too much,” he says and waves. Sehee nods and waves back, her smile only half-hearted. This is the first time she has to be on her own and it scares her, when always Jongin would be there to help her through.

“I can do it,” she mumbles to herself, repeating the words over and over again.

 

 

 

 

Sehee takes a deep breath before she descends the bus. The moment her foot sets onto the pavement, her phone rings. The message on the display makes her smile and feel a little more self-confident. _Don’t worry too much. You’re both pretty and witty, so nothing can go wrong. He’ll like you more after this date, I can guarantee. If I was wrong, I promise you two cups of bubble tea daily for the next year._

“Sehee!”

Sehee looks up to see Minseok approaching her with a wide smile that makes her heart beat a little faster, fluttering against her ribcage. She feels relieved to see him right there, because despite being reassured from several sides that Minseok has a huge crush on her and would never stand her up, she was not all that sure. Sehee might be popular because of her looks, but apart from that, she has the reputation of being quite boring.

“Did you wait long?” She asks, proud for not stuttering, and Minseok shakes his head.

“I just arrived a minute ago or so. Let’s go inside.”

Sehee nods and lets him guide her inside with a hand on the small of her back. It feels a little weird to have someone male apart from Jongin touching her, but she soon finds out that she doesn’t mind the skinship too much. It is nice actually, to hold hands when they walk through the park later to continue their conversation. Sehee finds out that Minseok is not quite like Jongin, not a skater boy, but he is a dancer, and when Minseok starts to dance all of a sudden to show her a few moves, she laughs in glee. He is an excellent entertainer, somehow keeping her distracted from the fact that this is supposed to be a date and not just two friends hanging out. She feels comfortable, just as she feels with Jongin.

 

 

 

 

Time flies by and soon it is getting dark. Minseok invites her for a quick dinner, buying ddeokbokki and fish cakes on their way towards the bus station. It is nice like that, walking outside and eating, and Sehee enjoys Minseok’s playful banter, her own witty replies eliciting smiles and laughter as well. Things can’t be even more perfect, she thinks, until they are standing at the bus station. It feels familiar, Minseok holding both her hands, and Sehee smiles, eyes crinkling.

“Thank you for today,” Minseok says and Sehee thanks him right back.

“I’ll text you later, okay?” He promises and Sehee nods.

“Take care and have a safe way back home.” And then Minseok leans in to kiss her forehead. Sehee blinks, freezing into a daze, until Minseok chuckles and ushers her into the bus, waving her off.

 

 

 

 

Sehee’s eyes are shining as she is telling him and Jongin can only force himself to smile. It is a good thing that his best friend is so oblivious.

“You seem to have a crush on him, too.”

“I guess I have,” Sehee replies, soft blush apparent on her face. “He is just so fun to talk to. And so sweet. I wonder why he’s dating a middle schooler like me, when there are so many pretty girls around him in high school.”

“Hey, I told you you’re pretty, too. Not only that, but you’re witty, smart and charming as well.”

“Thanks, Jong. You really know what to say to make me feel better.” And Jongin can only agree. He knows Sehee too well and he wishes, Sehee would know him a little better, too. While he can read her like an open book, she is either not interested enough to understand him, or too naive, believing too much in their arrangement as best friends. Jongin doesn’t think that things will ever change. He knows he should give up on her and be content with the friendship they have, but at the same time he cannot force his heart to unlove her, when every smile is a radiating sun to him, every word sweet like honey. Jongin has fallen deep a long time ago and it will take another eternity to climb out of that hole called love.


	4. Chapter 4

The question has been on Jongin’s mind for a long, long time already, but he can’t possibly ask. Sehee would surely tell him without any second thoughts, but to Jongin, it feels like a breach of privacy. Sehee is his best friend, but that doesn’t mean that she is obliged to tell him every little detail of her happy relationship.

There are tidbits that Jongin knows. He knows the lucky guy’s name is Minseok. He knows that guy is a high school student, a lot more mature than him, smart, too, and reliable. Minseok has a part-time job in one of those coffeeshops Sehee frequents and that is how they have met each other. Jongin remembers vividly how Sehee has told him everything with bright eyes, brighter than they have ever been. Brighter even than the time he has given her his beloved power ranger figurine. He was seven years old back then, and it must have been around then that Jongin has realized one thing: Jongin needs Sehee. Without Sehee, Jongin feels incomplete. So giving away his most prized possession was nothing in comparison to the friendship they had. And probably back then, when Jongin had given her the toy, seeing her smiling at him, eyes disappearing into a pair of crescents and the grin stretching impossibly wide over her face, that Jongin has fallen in love. Ever since then, Jongin has thought that Sehee smiling like that belongs only to him. Maybe he has been wrong. Maybe not. Maybe such a bright smile is reserved for Jongin, but an even more radiating one is reserved for Minseok.

 

 

 

 

What Jongin is scared to ask, Baekhee is not. Ever since news have been spread that Sehee has a boyfriend who is not Jongin, their friend has been acting weird, even sassier than usual, with the sassiness directed towards Sehee mainly. It must be pity, Jongin thinks, because Baekhee knows very well about his unrequited feelings for his best friend, yet she has never urged him to confess. Even now, she doesn’t say a thing. Instead, her tongue is sharper than ever, criticizing every small thing that Sehee is doing. Sehee is not careful enough, too clueless, too clumsy, too naive, too oblivious. All the nagging doesn’t seem to have much of an effect on Sehee though, the girl just thanking Baekhee for helping her point out her flaws - that are perfectly fine in Jongin’s eyes.

“Sehee, you’re too lovely,” Baekhee sighs.

“Ah, is that a compliment?” Sehee asks, grinning. “Haven’t heard one from you for a long time.”

“It’s not,” Baekhee huffs, stuffing a dumpling into her mouth and muttering to herself. Jongin can’t really make out what it is, the chatter of the students around them in the cafeteria drowning her words in noise.

“Is it a bad thing? Being lovely, I mean,” Sehee pouts, turning to her best friend sitting next to her. Jongin blinks.

“I think it’s not that bad?”

“Thanks, Jong,” Sehee says and gives him a smile, as if saying that she values his opinion a lot more than her female best friend’s. Baekhee is scoffing now, downright glaring at both Sehee and Jongin.

“Too lovely,” Baekhee says then. “It’s not a good thing. You are tempting the guys to do inappropriate things.”

“That’s not true,” Sehee protests, but with her naivity, she sounds unsure. She is easy to convince, even more so by Baekhyun who might not be a role model student and the smartest in class, but still the one with more experiences and wisdom in real life.

“Oh yeah?” Baekhee snorts. Jongin wishes he could stop Baekhee, because he doesn’t like the direction this conversation is taking. He is not quite sure either, if he is supposed to hear about all this. After all, he is a guy, too, a straight one in his teenage years with his hormonal balance all over the place, and he is sure what is following now is a slaughter against every male existence on this planet.

“Yeah,” Sehee insists stubbornly, and Jongin smiles faintly. Sehee is too naive, optimistic and believing for her own good.

“Are you saying your boyfriend didn’t try things so far? Small touches here and there? Hugs? More intimate touches? Kisses? Or did you go all the way already?” Jongin feels just as appalled as Sehee’s expression is, too shocked to say a thing.

“Baekhee!” Sehee gasps. “We didn’t do anything except for holding hands. And he kissed my forehead once, that is alll.”

“I see,” Baekhee says then, nodding in content. “So either you got a decent one or the worst of the worst.”

Both Sehee and Jongin are frowning, matching reactions and expressions with so much time having spent together that they picked up each other’s habits.

“What do you mean? Minseok is a gentleman.”

“Are you sure?” Baekhee’s eyes are glistening with mischief and Jongin sends a warning glare that the girl simply ignores, not that Jongin expected her to listen to him in the first place.

“You know, some guys just play the nice guy to earn your trust so that they can get whatever they want. And the way I see it, every straight guy would want to get into your pants. Except for Jongin maybe, but I’m not too sure of that either.”

“Baekhee!” Both of them yell at the same time, scandalized by their friend’s assumptions.

“Okay, let’s say that scenario is not true. Then how about your boyfriend having a pretty model girlfriend for his status, and a fuck buddy behind your back? That probably makes more sense. I mean come on, he’s a high schooler for fuck’s sake, there’s no way he’s interested in some virgin princess like you.”

“Baekhee, stop, that’s enough,” Jongin interrupts then, pulling Sehee up and away from the table. Baekhee is blunt, her honesty remarkable, but she is not always tactful to know when to stop. Jongin doesn’t mind usually, but when Sehee is there, he rather not have Baekhee speak out her mind. Baekhee’s way to view things is simply different, and she is someone who judges easily, with first impressions difficult to change. She is too much of a feminist at times, too, not that it is a bad thing, because Jongin agrees that women need to be treated better, to be seen as equal with men, since all were just human, right? But that didn’t mean that Baekhee could just assume that all men were bad. Jongin was not a bad guy, at least he thought he was a quite okay one.

“Baekhee…” Sehee starts quietly when they are sitting outside under the shadows of a tree. Their school is luckily not one of those with a yard made of concrete. There are still patches of grass and flowers growing wildly, and the cherry trees planted there are a nice sight in spring. As of now, it is late summer, and Jongin is beginning to feel sad, because autumn is coming, and with that, all the leaves will fall. It will get colder, darker, and he is not sure if he likes to stay inside when Sehee is not around him much anymore.

“Listen, Sehee,” Jongin says, taking both her hands in his. Sehee looks up and their eyes meet. Jongin does his best to smile.

“What Baekhee says might be true, but you never know. There are always good and bad people, and Baekhee is just worried. She’s not saying that Minseok-hyung is bad, but she wants to warn you to watch out. Because you haven’t met as many bad people as her. Remember Baekhee’s past, okay? That is why she is so negative.”

Sehee nods, blinking tears away. Jongin lets go of her hands to wipe away a stray one. Sehee is so close in that moment, so, so close, yet so far away. It would be so easy to lean in and kiss her, steal away her first kiss before her boyfriend could do so, but Jongin knows better. He pulls away.

“Are you mad at Baekhee?”

“Not anymore. Thank you for opening my eyes.” Jongin smiles at the sincerity, but at the same time he wonders if he has really opened her eyes. Probably not wide enough for her to see how much he actually cares about her and what they have. Before he can add something, they are interrupted.

“Sehee!” Baekhee is running towards the two best friends and Jongin turns away to give the girls their moment of reconciliation. It is rare to see Baekhee sentimental, on the verge of tears, and he knows the girl doesn’t want him to see that. He excuses himself, saying he’s still hungry, but the girls don’t pay attention. He walks away to Baekhee’s soft apologies and Sehee’s reassurances that it’s okay.

It’s okay, Jongin thinks. It is okay like this. He doesn’t need more. He should not need more.


	5. Chapter 5

Late summer is when Sehee and Minseok start dating. It has been just a few weeks, yet Jongin can see her changing already. Her smile is brighter, if possible, her walk is lighter, and everything about her seems much more beautiful. It is an impossible thing, was impossible, but to Jongin, she has become more endearing with her more feminine and less tomboyish ways, although it doesn’t mean he prefers her being girlish.

People say girls in love become prettier, but that is nothing compared to what Jongin sees. Sehee is shining brighter than the sun in the sky, illuminating the classroom with her presence alone. Her laughter is like soft ringing bells, her voice one of an angel. There is something very soft-spoken about her, and Jongin feels his urge to protect her grow. Because girls in love are the most vulnerable, too. They have their hearts wide open, unguarded, and when the one they are in love with happens to be a bad guy, their pure, loving heart will shatter, and Jongin wants to prevent that. Only, he has seemingly no reason to, when every day he sees Sehee’s eyes twinkling when she has her phone in her hands, typing away a sweet message to her boyfriend.

 

 

 

 

Walking home is, to say the least, strange. Jongin never heads home from class. He always goes over to Sehee’s house, either to make sure she gets home safely without being bothered by perverts or bullies or to bring her notes and sheets of homework when she is bedridden. Today though, for the first time in years, he is walking home, to his own house, because Sehee is on a date now. It is Friday afternoon and they should be playing video games together, Jongin thinks, and that is probably the least sad thought he can have.

 

 

 

 

“Hey, Jongin?”

Jongin looks up from his algebra homework. Sehee is sitting on his bed, doing the same, or so he thought. But her books are untouched, still closed and neatly stacked on a pile, and Sehee seems to have been staring into space. It happens from time to time. He knows Sehee well enough. Sometimes, when she is worried, or when there is something occupying her mind, even when it is positive thoughts or simply curiosity over something unknown, she will daze off, until she snaps out of those thoughts by herself or someone else wakes her from her trance. Usually, when it is the first, she would straight ask Jongin, who oh-so-conveniently is always there to reply. There is mutual trust, Sehee always asking him when things bother her, without any hesitation, and Jongin does the same, with one exception: he doesn’t talk about his amorous feelings. He never discusses the topic of crushes and future girlfriends, and when it comes up, he simply avoids it by asking Sehee back about her love life that has been non-existent before. Not now though, when there is Minseok in the picture.

He turns around in his swivel chair to face her. She will ask in three, two, one.

“Jongin, can we practice kissing?”

Jongin chokes on air and Sehee is up and by his side within a second to pat his back. It takes a while for him to breathe normally again and for a split second he wishes he would have died like that, choking on air. It would save him from the weird conversation he is sure will follow afterwards. Sehee settles back onto his bed, sitting on the edge now with hands on her knees, waiting for his reply. He knows that gaze, too.

Of course, if the girl you are crushing on asks to practice kissing with you, you will tell her yes, because when would you ever get that chance again? Especially, when it is probably her first kiss, from everything she has told you up until now. Jongin is not the average boy though. He is Jongin, too much in love with Sehee to let her do stupid things that she might regret. He is her best friend, not her boyfriend, and he will never misuse his title and position.

“You don’t need practice,” he says and she is biting her lip, her gaze firm, staring into his eyes and into his soul, yet she doesn’t seem to understand what she is seeing there. Jongin sighs.

“Why would you practice kissing with your best friend when you have a boyfriend?” He asks, because like that, Sehee should understand by herself. Best friends are not supposed to kiss, unless they are best friends with benefits, and that is a thing Jongin has sworn to himself he would never turn their relationship into. He wants her whole, body and mind and not just her body.

“Because…” Sehee looks uncertain for a moment, before she speaks up again. “Minseok is so much older than me. He has been dating before. I don’t… I don’t want to disappoint him? What if I am not good enough?”

“Sehee,” Jongin sighs. “Don’t ever think that. If Minseok breaks up with you because you are inexperienced, that would say a lot about his personality. You should date someone who likes you because you are you, not because you are experienced or not. Do you really think he cares about that?”

Sehee shakes her head, but she still looks uncertain, her gaze now pointedly directed to her shoes. “He might not say it, but he might still be disappointed?” It is a nearly inaudible whisper. Jongin heaves another sigh.

“Don’t worry, okay? Things will work out. It is just important that you talk to him afterwards, if you feel it’s awkward, okay?”

“Okay.” Their eyes lock and Jongin smiles warmly.

“Do you feel better now?” He asks.

“Yeah. Thanks, Jong.”

“You’re welcome.”

 

 

 

 

Talking about kissing like that, Jongin now knows that Sehee must be more than ready for her first kiss, and undoubtedly, his best friend wants to prepare herself for her boyfriend. Which should have been Jongin, who has always been her first: her first best friend, the first she went to a camping trip with, the first she went to an amusement park with, the first person she told she was scouted by a model agency. He has been with her through all her firsts, _their_ first, from the first day in elementary school to the first prom at the beginning of summer. But now it seems, Jongin won’t be any of her other firsts.

 

 

 

 

“Jong?”

Sehee sounds a little unsure, and that is what alarms Jongin. He gives her his full attention right away, not even bothering to pause the game. He is game over within a second, but that is not important when Sehee needs his advice.

Sehee has sat up now, while before she has been laying on her bed, napping right after finishing homework, and Jongin has been playing Flappy Bird on his phone ever since.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure, go ahead,” he encourages. Sehee takes a deep breath before she asks.

“What was your first kiss like?”

 

 

 

 

Jongin has been dating before, just once, and just briefly. His first girlfriend was his neighbor, a sweet girl by the name of Jinri. She was lively, cheerful and absolutely adorable, and if it wasn’t for Sehee, he might have fallen in love with her. But as it was, he didn’t. Still, when she asked him out one day, he said yes. He didn’t like her as much as he liked Sehee, but he didn’t know at that time. All he knew was that Sehee was his best friend and Jinri was his girlfriend.

They did all the things couples would do: going on dates. Sometimes they would go to a café, sometimes they would grab dinner together, sometimes they would just walk around in the park or along the Han River. They went to the amusement park together once as well, to the cinema, to museums, to a concert. They have done a lot, yet it was never enough. Not for Jinri anyways.

They were dating in his first year of middle school, for almost a year, and they broke up, because Jongin was not paying her enough attention. Jinri knew Sehee, knew about their friendship, and it was when he had been confronted, Jinri throwing a fit, asking him to choose between his girlfriend and his best friend, that Jongin ended their relationship. He realized, that things never were the same with Jinri, as they were with Sehee. Sehee’s smile was more important than Jinri’s, and when he was on a date and Sehee would text him, asking him to come and help her, it was an emergency, he would get up right away, finding some excuse to go and save Sehee from whatever trouble she just got in. He had realized then, by himself and with Jinri screaming at him for being a twotimer, cheating on her with his best friend, and in that moment he wished, he had realized it a lot sooner, because secretly, without his knowledge, he had been in love with Oh Sehee all along.

 

 

 

 

“Jong?”

Jongin smiles, realizing he must have drifted off with his thoughts.

“A first kiss is a personal experience. You can’t let other people describe to you, because evveryone feels different.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

 

 

 

 

“You were right.” Just by her voice, Jongin knows Sehee would be beaming at him if she was here now. But Sehee is probably sitting on her bed, back leaning against the headboard with her legs pulled up and a pillow pressed into her chest, phone balancing on her knee.

“A first kiss is indescribable.”

There is a dreamy undertone in her voice and Jongin just knows he has lost her first kiss, too, probably her future firsts as well, and nothing can make him any sadder now.

“Minseok-oppa is so nice and patient. He would make a good husband, right?”

“Yeah,” Jongin agrees, and for the first time, Sehee is the one to make him crumble down, tears rolling over his face.


	6. Chapter 6

The one day Jongin dreads most every year is Valentine's Day. There have been few reasons before, two only, if he is honest, but with Sehee dating now, there is a third reason that weighs as much as a million other reasons.  
  
Jongin can't spend the day with her anymore. No extensive dinner and then a movie marathon while comfortably cuddling on her bed. No hour long discussion on why it is weird to celebrate Valentine's Day once a year, as if it was enough to show your significant other how much you love him or her on that day only, when both Jongin and Sehee agree that all 365 days should be spent meaningful, giving love to one’s loved ones.  
  
Jongin really misses Sehee next to him, now that he is lying on his bed, staring at the roof, all alone, when Sehee is supposed to be next to him, doing the same. As much as the thought of this and future Valentine's Days pains Jongin - he is sure that Sehee and Minseok won't break up soon, probably never, because Sehee is just that precious; no one would ever want to let go of her - the thought of himself being unable to confess to her hurts him even more. How can he possible confess when she is happily dating? Sehee has a soft heart. She will easily let him manipulate her and that is a thing Jongin doesn't want. He wants Sehee as she is, not formed by him in any way.  
  
But The worst thing is not even the impossibility of him getting rid of his feelings by a simple confession, but the role of a reminder that Valentine's Day serves for him. Valentine's Day always reminds him not only of his love for his best friend and his inability to tell her, but of the first time he has admitted it, too, while breaking another girl’s heart.  
  
  
  
  
  
Jongin has been dating before, once only. Back then, he has thought that his feelings for Sehee were of a brotherly nature. They grew up together after all, inseparable like twins. So when Jinri appeared, he was crushing on her.  
  
Jinri was all Jongin could have asked for. She was pretty and gentle, eyes turning into crescents when she was laughing, and the air around her was radiating with a pure, innocent charme. Parts of Jongin denied that he initially liked her and agreed to go out with her because of the undeniable similarities to Sehee. He didn't think much about it back then, but in retrospect, that is the only explanation Jongin has for why he agreed to date the girl when they barely spoke more than two sentences each time they met before they officially started to date.  
  
Jinri moved into the house next to his just a few months before, yet Jongin only met her a lot later. She went to a private all girls school, which explained why their schedules never collided. Her school was further away, and thus she would leave the house earlier in the morning than Jongin did, and Jongin was usually the one who came back later in the evening after spending time at Sehee's place.  
  
The first time they met was on a weekend that Jongin spent at home. Sehee was visiting some far relatives because a cousin was getting married. Jongin had felt bored, but he soon found distraction by walking around town. And when it was around dinner time, he bumped into Jinri on his way home. They exchanged a few words, small talk only, but parted in front of their houses with good impressions on the other, more than good impressions probably, because it only took three more months with a few rare encounters for Jinri to confess. And Jongin agreed to go out with her.  
  
  
  
  
  
Their first date couldn't have been more perfect with a Saturday afternoon spent in a café, then dinner and a movie. As any other middle school sophomores they were shy with skinship, soft smiles and stolen glances at each other. Their conversation was easy since they were still in the process of getting to know each other. Jongin learned of Jinri's passion for fashion design and was fascinated to see that the clothes she was wearing were actually handmade; he thought they were bought in some high-end luxury store. At the same time, Jongin told her bits about his life, his indecisiveness regarding his future. Unconsciously, he had left out Sehee, not mentioning her at all, although in his mind, he was thinking of her, surprised how much of Sehee he could discover in another girl. Maybe it was because he had been spending so much time with his best friend, that automatically he would feel her presence with him everywhere? That automatically he would compare every girl he ever met with her?  
  
The next dates - on Saturdays only, because Sundays were spent with homework and weekdays were busy with classes (and Sehee, in Jongin's case) - went just as smooth with the two of them getting to know each other more and more. There really was not a thing that Jongin could have disliked about her, so he had thought that Jinri was perfect. She was, definitely, with a pretty face and an even kinder heart, smart words and a bright smile. He enjoyed their time together, until Sehee ran into them one day.  
  
Jongin didn't understand before, why he never thought of introducing his girlfriend to his best friend, when they were both important people in his life, or rather, they were both supposed to be important people in his life. But the thought of them meeting each other has somehow frightened him. What if Jinri and Sehee didn't like each other? What if he had to decide between the two of them? Girlfriend or best friend?  
  
His worries proved to be pointless though, when both girls got along perfectly, laughing and joking all the way, the two of them even teaming up to tease Jongin whenever he drifted off, lost in thoughts.  
  
  
  
  
  
It was just once that Sehee and Jinri met, and afterwards everything seemed to be fine with both of them. Sehee would sometimes ask about Jinri, and Jinri would sometimes ask about Sehee. He suggested the two girls two befriend each other, helping them exchange numbers, but he could never be sure if they actually contacted each other. Maybe the questions were just polite ones after all and not real interest.  
  
  
  
  
  
What Jongin knows now is that Jinri has caught up sooner than he did. They have been dating for quite a while, almost half a year, and when it was Valentine's Day, they were sitting in a café, delicious pastries in front of them, when Jinri suddenly asked about Sehee. It should have been their day, with Valentine's day being a couple celebration, but their conversation revolved around Sehee. How she was doing. What she was doing. What her future plans were. What she had given Jongin on his birthday last month. What he is planning to get her. But no matter how irritated Jongin was at first, he gladly talked about Sehee, finding happiness that his girlfriend liked his best friend enough to ask about her and to not see her as rival. Because that was what he had feared the most, for the two girls in his life to hate each other.  
  
But Jongin couldn't be any more wrong. Jinri might not have hated Sehee, but Jinri has seen through him. Jinri had known at some point, and after their date in the café, after dinner and after the movie, when they planned to exchange presents in the park, despite the cold February air, Jinri broke up with him.  
  
 _Jongin, I like you a lot, but I don't think this will work out._  
  
 _W-what? Why? What happened? Did I offend you somehow?"_  
  
Jinri has smiled at him, shaking her head. It was a tired smile, he would realize later.  
  
 _No, not really. But I think our feelings are not quite mutual. Are you sure you are dating the right girl?_  
  
Jongin stared at her for a while, before he could reply.  _Yes, I am. I am dating Jinri, the sweet girl next door with the beautiful, radiant smile._  
  
Jinri's laughter was light, but unamused.  _What is it that you like about me? Except for my smile._  
  
And Jongin couldn't reply without thinking that she was quite tall for a girl, eyes crinkling when she laughed, personality soft and gentle. It was all so familiar.  
  
 _See, that is what I mean. You can talk about Sehee for hours with that beam on your face, but when you look at me, when you talk about me, your expression is different. You don't like me the way you like her. You don't see me the way you see her. Do I really have a special place in your heart? You don't see me in your future, like you see_ her _, do you?_  
  
Jinri was waiting for a response, but there never came one.  
  
 _Let's break up. On good terms. I don't hate you. I knew you were too hesitant at the beginning, but I couldn't explain why, until Sehee joined us that day. Jongin, we can still be friends, right?_  
  
Jongin has nodded, but in the end, they weren't friends. They were more like acquaintances, greeting each other when they met, having some small talk. That was all.  
  
  
  
  
  
Jongin sighs when he thinks back to that day. He has been so confused first that he went straight to Sehee's place, knowing that she must be at home. Sehee was not dating at that time, having told him beforehand that she would spend the day baking cake with her mother at home. And when she opened the door with chocolate cake dough on her face, Jinri's words ringed in his head.  _You don't see me in your future, like you see her, do you?_  
  
Jinri was right. In that moment, Jongin has imagined an older version of Sehee opening the door for him, her white apron stained with chocolate, lips pulled up into the most beautiful smile.  _Welcome home._  And home he was indeed, when Sehee pulled him inside, bringing him a cup of hot chocolate he could sip on while they were cuddling on her bed after Jongin has told her of Jinri dumping him just a while ago on Valentine’s Day.


	7. Chapter 7

Jongin startles when he walks out of the bathroom and sees Sehee sitting on his bed with the brightest smile he has seen in forever, even though that is not quite correct. Her every smile is bright, always the brightest, not only this one in particular. At least he is dressed despite coming straight from the shower, Jongin thinks, because having two older sisters that are still living at home, he has soon learned that if he flaunts his upper body, his sisters' friends would ogle him. Not that Jongin is particularly muscular, but he is athletic, fit enough to still be quite a sight. At least that is what he gets told by those girls. Though briefly, he wonders if Sehee would appreciate the sight of his bare skin as well. Would it be enough for her to fall in love with him? Of course not, because Sehee is not that superficial, and Jongin is sure that this Minseok must be a lot more good-looking than him, simply, because he is older and thus manlier, more capable of protecting a girl from all the bad in the world. Jongin is still just a middle schooler without enough courage to confess to his crush.  
  
"Jongin," Sehee says, getting up and bouncing towards him. She looks cute in her navy blue dress, a loosely knitted shirt thrown over to keep her warm. Her hair is curled, framing her face nicely, and Jongin can't be prouder for her make-up still on point, not smudged, not faded. Jongin has applied it for her hours ago in preparation for her date on Valentine's Day. It is not even nine in the evening now, and Jongin wonders what she is doing here, when she should be on her date still, maybe having some dessert after dinner. Did Minseok send her home this early?  
  
"Hey," he responds with a smile, doing his best not to look confused. Sehee is standing a foot away from him, hands hidden behind her back, bouncing back and forth on her heels. He raises an eyebrow.  
  
"What are you doing here?"  
  
Sehee pouts, and if her smile is one of Jongin's favorite looks on her, a pout, next to tears and sadness, is what he hates the most. Because her lips are puckered up and all he can think about is to lean in and kiss her. He gulps.  
  
"My best friend doesn't want me here?" Sehee asks. He knows that playfully teasing tone. Sehee is not mad, she rarely is.  
  
"Of course you are always welcome here," Jongin replies, serious as always. That is what he is for Sehee, the slightly older, slightly more mature and very reliable friend she can always lean on. "Sit down."  
  
She does, plopping back down onto his bed with a wide grin on her face, and Jongin sits down next to her. Sehee takes his towel and shifts behind him, helping to dry his hair as if it is the most natural thing in the world. With how comfortable they are with each other, it surely is. Or was. Because Jongin is not half as comfortable around her now as he has been before. His heart is beating a little faster and louder, and he wonders if Sehee can hear it.  
  
"How did your date go? Why are you back so early?" Jongin asks, closing his eyes. She is still smiling, he can sense it. The date must have gone well. They didn't break up on their first Valentine's Day together like Jongin and Jinri did last year, he is sure of that.  
  
"It was wonderful," Sehee replies. He can hear the smile in her voice, the dreaminess, too. He wishes they would stop talking about her boyfriend and her time spent with her boyfriend, but as the best friend who is crushing on her, he cannot ask her to stop mentioning Minseok. Who would Sehee talk to when she needed help and advice for her relationship? Baekhee is opinionated and, whenever they try to get her involved in one of their schedules together, Baekhee would apologize, saying she had a date with her boyfriend. Chanyeol keeps her occupied all the time, and except for classes, they rarely see her lately. And apart from Baekhee, Jongin is the only person Sehee trusts to such an extent. Jongin takes a deep breath.  
  
"Do you want to tell me how it went?"  
  
  
  
  
  
This year, Valentine's Day is on a Saturday, and so Sehee has had a lot of time to prepare. Jongin, too, has come over to help her, but only later in the afternoon. She is going to meet her boyfriend for dinner at the same place they've gone to on their first date. Monomo, a small and cozy Japanese restaurant in Sinchon.  
  
Friday evening she has spent baking, leaving the cake and muffins to cool over night, so she has the whole morning to decorate everything. There is a lot of time, Sehee knows, but to make sure that she won't be too late on Valentine's Day, she got up early in the morning nonetheless, spending minimal time on morning routine and breakfast. After all, she will have to shower later, after working in the kitchen. Trust Sehee to get frosting into her hair, no matter how careful she is.  
  
Mrs. Oh comes into the kitchen later, thinking she needs to help her daughter, because Sehee is not good with cooking, only to realize that her daughter has a talent for for baking instead. It is Sehee's first time baking, actually, but the muffin that both mother and daughter try, just to see if the consistency is good, gives both of them a hard time resisting to snack on the remaining cupcakes.  
  
It takes Sehee about two hours with her mother watching, until she is finished and satisfied with the results. There is one simple chocolate cake with cream and strawberries on top, and a dozen cupcakes with frosting in different forms and colors decorating them. Sehee has outdone herself, she thinks, and her mother pats her shoulder.  _Good job_ , Mrs. Oh says, and Sehee smiles. She can see how proud her mother is.  
  
The cake and cupcakes are packed and stored away, until Sehee would give them later, and when she glances at the clock, it is time for an early lunch. Mr. Oh is not at home, working on a Saturday even, and so only mother and daughter have some kimchi jjigae with rice together. A simple meal, but Sehee will have dinner a bit more fancy later.  
  
It is around two-ish when Jongin comes around. By then Sehee has taken a shower and chosen an outfit. Her clothes have started to become a lot more cute and girlish, in contrast to the casual and almost unisex look she used to wear before. Still, she is never sure if she looks okay, and only Jongin giving her an approval, a thumbs up, does help Sehee with relaxing a bit. Jongin knows. She trusts him.  
  
The navy blue dress hugs her upper body, fitting into her soft curves and underlining her lithe waist, which is soon hidden under the white, oversized pullover she puts on. It makes her look more frail, softer, smaller, cuter. It is not model Sehee, but simply Oh Sehee staring at herself in the mirror. And with the magic of Jongin's hands, her face is dusted with light make-up, not changing much of her pale complexion, only hiding the faint scar she has gotten in a bike accident when she was nine or ten years old. Her eyes get some make-up, simple winged eyeliner as a fashion statement, Jongin says as he applies rose colored lipstick for her.  
  
"Content with the outcome?" Jongin asks.  
  
"Yes, very much so. Thank you, Jongin."  
  
  
  
  
  
By the time Jongin finishes with styling her hair as well, Sehee needs to get going. Jongin tags along, carrying the cake to the bus station with her, where they part. Jongin will go back home and Sehee will go to meet up with Minseok.  
  
  
  
  
  
As always, Sehee's heart flutters the moment she spots Minseok waving at her. She walks carefully, too scared she might drop the cake she has spent hours working on to impress her boyfriend, although she knows that Minseok appreciates every little thing she does. He is never demanding, spoiling her to an extent Sehee doesn't even know how to deal with his kindness, except for giving him back much, much more.  
  
They go to a café first because February is too cold to sit outside in a park, even if it is quiet and peaceful there, a thing both of them appreciate. Finding a free table in a café is usually frustrating, more so on Valentine's Day, because no matter how many coffeshops there are in Seoul, each and every store seems to be full. It is with a lot of luck that they manage to get one table at Starbucks, where they can finally put down the cake. Minseok goes to order their drinks, and when he comes back with green tea latte and americano, they both try the cake.  
  
Sehee is happy with the outcome, happier with Minseok's surprised expression, and the happiest with Minseok giving her a short peck on her mouth as a thank you. They talk a lot, laugh a lot, while holding hands, fingers laced. And if Sehee was asked who she thought would be the happiest couple on earth, she would say Minseok and her, with how immersed they are with the other, never paying much attention to their phones vibrating on the table each time they received a call or a message.  
  
They spent hours in the café, until hunger drove them to the little restaurant they agreed on going to. The waiter recognized them, leading them to a table hidden in the corner right away to give the couple a bit more privacy. Here, too, they hold hands, the conversation never ending, neither did their laughter end the time they spent together. They could have spent the whole night eating there, but Minseok, responsible as ever, insisted on bringing her home early, because she was a middle schooler still, even if she would soon start high school. And Sehee never protested, because she knew he only wanted the best for her.  
  
It was shortly after eight when she got home and the cupcakes still sitting on the counter reminded her of Jongin, who she forgot to give cupcakes earlier, when he has come over to help her with styling and her make-up, and spontanously, she decided to pay Jongin a visit, which explains why she is here, on Jongin's bed, still towel-drying his hair. When she deems his hair dry enough, she pulls away, but not without ruffling his hair and laughing when he turns around to take revenge for her roughness earlier, pulling at his hair. He tickles her sides, until she is breathless and begging for mercy, and the two of them are laughing for a few more minutes, before they can calm down.  
  
"I brought you something," Sehee says then, finally explaining her visit. She slips off his bed, walking over to her bag that is placed on his desk. There is a bag of cupcakes, with three to be exact in number, and all of them looking like coming straight from a bakery.  
  
"I made it with lots of love," Sehee says. "Because I love you, too. Thanks for always staying with me."  
  
And in that moment Jongin knows that he cannot do a thing that might risk their friendship, because afterwards, he won't be the only one hurting. Sehee will be hurt just as much as him, if their friendship was to be sacrificed for a stupid confession that won't bring them together as a couple.  
  
"Thanks for always staying with me, too." Jongin smiles.  _Love you, too, Sehee,_  is left unsaid.


	8. Chapter 8

It is always easy to think and plan, but it is never easy to do. Jongin tries and tries, but he can’t possibly unlove Sehee. He knows how unhealthy it is for him, to suppress all his feelings in her presence. Because she has a boyfriend now, things have become so much more difficult than they already were.  
  
Time heals all wounds, people say, but Jongin can’t imagine this wound to be healed ever. His heart is broken, and it doesn’t matter how much time he would get to let the shards grow back together, it won’t happen, as long as he stays close to her. Why not go away then, people would probably ask him, if he talked to people (and he might talk to Baekhee, because she knows; she is not as oblivious as Sehee is). Jongin’s answer will remain the same. He cannot live without Sehee. She is the constant in his perfectly unplanned life. Wherever she goes, he will go, too. He doesn’t know anything else he would want in his life apart from her. Jongin doesn’t function on his own. He doesn’t want to.  
  
And yet, Jongin has to force himself to somehow get up every morning to go to school. He can’t possibly get sick and make Sehee worry. He knows that Sehee will always worry over him, too, just as much as he worries and cares for her. Even if she was married to someone else one day, she would still think about Jongin and wonder if he was doing okay; she would still come running to him if she knew he wasn’t feeling well. And Jongin would do the same.  
  
  
  
  
  
It is two weeks after Valentine’s Day. Sehee’s sweet words keep ringing in Jongin’s head, and since then he has imagined her words to mean something deeper and not the platonic, sisterly kind of love she feels. Jongin has started to daydream more, and thus the moment he is brought back to reality it hurts him the more, reminding him that the upcoming weekend, too, Sehee won’t be there to play video games with him, to watch movies with him, or do homework together even. It is a sad outlook on life he gets every time he snaps out of his dreams.  
  
  
  
  
  
Sehee is just as happy and chirpy as ever, talking about her dates with Minseok as if there is nothing else to talk about. Baekhee is not there to watch out for Jongin, directing Sehee to different topics, and Jongin doesn’t have the heart to dampen Sehee’s enthusiasm. He likes to see her excited, although he would love to see her just as excited when she talks about them, about Jongin and Sehee. Because talks of the future have been pushed to the back now, although Jongin and Sehee’s number one topic have always been suggestions for a better future and the what-ifs before, when Minseok wasn’t a part of Sehee’s life.  
  
They had gone through so many different options together. What if Sehee became a professional model? Jongin would keep supporting her as best as he could, become a stylist and make-up artist maybe, or a photographer, an editor at a major fashion magazine. What if Sehee studied economics? Jongin would do the same, and he imagines the two of them spending hours cramming together before exams, both panicked (Jongin less so, because he has always been quite good with academics, except for the science parts) but then elated after getting the results. What if-  
  
Jongin startles when there is a hand on his forehead. Sehee looks unhappy when she retracts her hand.  
  
“You’ve been awfully quiet,” Sehee says. “And you’re pale, too. You don’t have a fever, but are you feeling okay?”  
  
“I’m fine,” Jongin replies, giving her a small smile. He is anything but fine with the thunderstorm inside his heart, and the sleepless nights are taking a toll on him as well. Sehee is not supposed to know though. He wants her free and happy and not worried over him. Well, he does wish for her concern, but seeing that she is someone else’s, he doesn’t think it is rightful to want her fussing over him. But that is exactly what Sehee is doing now.  
  
“Don’t lie, Jongin. You look awful.” Her expression defies the seriousness in her tone and Jongin’s smile grows a little wider at that. She still cares for him after all. But that’s what she said, right? She loves Jongin, too, only, her love is completely platonic, while Jongin hopes for romance.  
  
“Don’t worry,” Jongin reassures. “I just need a little rest. I didn’t sleep well the last few days.” That at least, he can admit. Jongin is sure that Sehee can tell by the dark circles underneath his eyes.  
  
“Okay,” comes her quiet reply. Sehee doesn’t look very convinced yet, but she lets him off when he gives her a reassuring smile.  
  
  
  
  
  
The next day is a Friday, and opposite from what he has said, Jongin is not fine after all. Sehee was right. Jongin has caught a cold, although the symptoms this time had been weird. Jongin didn’t feel cold the day before, he didn’t feel nauseous, nor did he feel like he was getting a cold. Usually, he would be able to tell by intuition and experiences of the past. This time though, the only sign for an upcoming cold was his headache, but that, Jongin had linked to his lack of sleep and the numerous thoughts that had been haunting him the last few days.  
  
Jongin’s head feels heavy now, and he is too tired to get up. He coughs a lot and his nose is runny and absolutely everything is terrible. Sehee must be so disappointed at him for lying, he thinks, although at that time he didn’t even know it was a lie. At that time he was sure he would be fine, physically at least.  
  
Mrs. Kim calls in sick for Jongin, but she leaves for work later as well, after she has made him some soup, indulging her son with putting some chicken into it, next to the whole lot of vegetables that Jongin detests so much. He doesn’t protest though, knowing that his mother knows best.  
  
Jongin spends the day sleeping. He only gets up when it is absolutely necessary, like when he feels thirsty, or when he has to use the bathroom. He doesn’t feel like eating much when his throat hurts with every bit that he swallows. And to make everything even worse, Jongin doesn’t even get a reply from Sehee when he has messaged her earlier in the morning, saying they can’t walk together to school today, because he is sick and staying at home. Maybe Sehee is mad at him for lying, he thinks, and cries himself to sleep when he wakes up later around three in the afternoon.  
  
  
  
  
  
The next time Jongin wakes up is when he hears the front door open. It must be his mom, he thinks and curls up, hiding under the blanket. A few minutes later the door to his room is opened, and then closed. His mom must think that he is still asleep and thus doesn’t want to stir him from his rest. It’s better like that, he thinks, because his eyes are all puffy from crying earlier. He doesn’t want his mother to worry even more than she already is.  
  
When Jongin is on the brink of falling asleep later, the door to his room is opened again. Jongin sighs inwardly, debating if he should continue pretending to be asleep or not. He stays still, even when the mattress dips with another weight. There is a hand running through his hair, the only part that is peeking out from under the duvet. Jongin sighs and turns around to face his mother.  
  
Jongin wants to laugh, but he ends up coughing, when he sees Sehee there. Is he already mental to imagine his best friend and crush sitting on his bed? He learns soon enough that it is the real Sehee though, because it’s Sehee’s familiar hand that holds on to his later with fingers laced, after his coughing fit ended.  
  
  
  
  
  
“Silly, I told you you would get sick,” she mumbles later, while feeding him the soup. Jongin is sitting with his back resting against the headboard and Sehee right next to him. She is a wonderful nurse he thinks, and she would make a much better wife than any husband on this world deserved.  
  
“You didn’t say it like that,” Jongin replies, his voice all soft at the tenderness Sehee displays. But then again, Sehee has never been rough or sassy like Baekhee. She has always been this calm, naive, yet mature girl that Jongin has grown to love with the years.  
  
Sehee hums in return. “I’m sorry I didn’t know. But if there is something bothering you, you should tell me instead of mulling over it all by yourself. Are you, perhaps, stressed by something? Is it school related? Your mom said everything was fine and she didn’t notice anything weird.”  
  
Ah. So Sehee must have gone to his mother’s office to get the house key. She is smart like that, fast thinking in situations like these. Jongin feels almost proud like an older sibling. And maybe that is what has gone wrong. He shouldn’t have acted more like an older brother, shielding her from every threat there is in the world. Maybe then she would be seeing him as boyfriend material.  
  
“I’m fine,” Jongin replies. “Really. I don’t know why I couldn’t sleep the last week. Maybe I played video games into late night too much and messed up my sleeping pattern.” It is a blatant lie, but at least it is one that Sehee believes. She scolds him even.  
  
“You shouldn’t do that. Really, Jongin, do you need me to watch over you?”  
  
“Of course not,” he is fast to say. “I’ve learnt my lesson now. But aren’t you supposed to meet up with Minseok-hyung?”  
  
Because every Friday, Saturday and Sunday, Sehee will go out with Minseok. It is often just a study session in the library or a café with dinner afterwards, but that is still a date to Jongin. A study date. A Sehee and Jongin thing before, but now a Sehee and Minseok thing. Minseok is probably better with explanations, too, he thinks, feeling defeated.  
  
“I cancelled. I can’t leave my best friend all alone when he’s bedridden. We always took care of each other, remember?”  
  
Of course Jongin remembers. Whenever one of them fell ill, the other would be around to warm up soup, to feed the sick one, to make sure that nothing is lacking. They would sleep together, too, cuddled in a bed, because the reassurance of having each other when the parents were gone, working until late night, helped the recovery process much better than anything else. There is no way they will keep up that tradition though, he thinks, as Sehee leaves the room with a soft whisper of  _please try to rest_.


	9. Chapter 9

There are tears pricking at his eyes, but Jongin presses both lips and eyes shut, refusing to give in and cry. He is a man and men don't cry. How will he ever be able to protect Sehee if he succumbs? He needs to stay strong.  
  
It is difficult though, when everything hurts. His throat is dry and sore despite eating soup just a while ago, and his head still hurts a lot, too, despite having taken some painkillers. He is feverish, feeling hot all over, but at the same time he feels cold, too. And adding on to that is the constant pain in his chest, caused by a broken heart. And so he cries. He cries in silence, with only tears rolling over his face. He feels lonely, sick and miserable. All he wants now is either Sehee or death. He won't be able to feel anymore when he is dead, right? There won't be any pain left when he is dead, right?  
  
No, a voice screams in his head, and it sounds so much like Sehee. Jongin takes a deep breath, doing his best to clear his mind.  
  
No, of course not. Jongin can't die. If he dies, who will be there to help and support Sehee? No one else knows her as well as he does. Jongin might not be her boyfriend, but at least he is her best friend. He can't and won't give up on that title that has always belonged to him and only him. He won't giva anyone a chance to replace him.  
  
Jongin makes a surprised noise when the bed dips and another person slides under the blankets with him. His skin is tingling, because he hopes it is Sehee, but he can never be sure. It could be his mother, too, his feverish mind tells him. When he turns around though, it is Sehee's pretty face that greets him behind a blurry screen of tears.  
  
"Get well soon, Nini," she whispers. Jongin's vision clears after a few blinks and he recognizes the look in her eyes as one of pain. Sehee feels hurt, too.  
  
"I'm sorry," Jongin whispers back, voice sounding so ugly with that croak. He sees Sehee shaking her head and forcing a smile, and that is one of the most heartbreaking sights for Jongin. He never wanted to make her that way, sad and hurt because of him. All he ever wants to be for Sehee is a source of energy, a source of happiness. He parts his lips but no other sound comes out.  
  
"It's not your fault," Sehee says. "I should have watched over you, too. If I paid more attention, I would have noticed you're not feeling well. And I totally forgot that Valentine's Day must serve as a bad reminder." Because Sehee has believed that Jinri was Jongin's first love, and a first love, she has claimed, would always be bittersweet and unforgettable. How true those words are, Jongin thinks now and he wonders what Sehee will say if she knew of his real first love. Jinri was never the first, Sehee was, even though Jongin realized too late, when he was dating Jinri.  
  
"Don't cry, Nini," Sehee whispers. "I don't like to see you in pain."  
  
Jongin can only nod and gulp. His eyes are pricking again, but this time it is not because he feels miserable. He still feels sick and too hot, but there is also a fuzzy, comfortable kind of warmth spreading in his body, and it heals his heart by just a bit. Having Sehee here with him, caring for him and taking care of him is enough to mend a few broken pieces of his heart together. After all, he thinks, Sehee is still his best friend. Not only lovers care for each other like this, but every couple in every kind of relationship that is deep enough to do so. And that thought makes Jongin happy enough to close his eyes again, a soft sigh of content leaving his lips.  
  
"Can we cuddle?" Jongin asks, and he is glad when Sehee moves closer. He pulls her into a hug, her head tugged under his chin, as if she was the one who needed the consolation, when in fact it was the other way round. His content just raises when he feels her skinny arms round his waist, and just like that, they both fall asleep to each other's sounds of breathing.  
  
  
  
  
  
When Jongin wakes up the next day, he feels remarkably better. That is the first thing he notices, and the second, is the warm body resting against his. His eyes widen for a second, seeing Sehee all cuddled against his chest, but then he remembers the previous night. Sehee has come to visit him, to check on him and make sure that he is okay, and of course it would include napping together until his parents were home. Only, Sehee never left. She has stayed here the whole night.  
  
Jongin doesn't want to get his hopes too high though. His best friend might have been tired as well, sleeping like a stone, and so his mother, who surely came in to check on him, would not wake her up. After all, no matter how old, Jongin and Sehee sharing a bed would always be a normal thing, because best friends - not only same gender best friends - sleeping in a bed was a normal thing. Unless there were other feelings involved, but officially, everyone except for Baekhee, knew Jongin and Sehee as best friends only.  
  
He sighs and in that moment Sehee stirs. She pulls away from him to stretch her limbs. When Jongin looks down, he sees a thin patch of skin between the hem of her shirt and the waistband of her jeans. It makes him gulp and he is reminded of his painfully dry throat again. Jongin starts coughing.  
  
Immediately, Sehee is sitting up, her hair wild and dishevelled, and it's not fair how unaffected she is. She still looks pretty in the mornings, calm and composed if one ignored the bit of panic in her eyes the first few seconds that she is watching him. But then Sehee moves forward, patting Jongin's back in a well meant attempt to help. Jongin shakes his head. Unable to be coherent, he gestures with one hand, trying to make her get him some water, while the other is pressed against his chest, as if it might alleviate the pain in his lungs.  
  
Luckily enough, Sehee knows exactly what he means and a minute later she is back with a glass of water. She has put in a straw as well, and Jongin thanks her for being thoughtful. He has had a few episodes of nearly choking to death when trying to down water as fast as possible when he thought he would need it fast.  
  
Sehee keeps patting his back while Jongin sucks on the straw, thankful for the soothing liquid running down his throat.  
  
Once the glass is empty Sehee's patting turns into rubs. Jongin thanks her with a quiet voice, the glass held in his two hands.  
  
There are a lot of things going through his mind now. Jongin wants to say thanks a million of times. He wants to ask her if she really is okay with spending a night with him, taking care of him when there are so many other, more fun things she could do, when there is a boyfriend she should have been with. He wants to ask her if this means that he is still somewhat more important than Minseok-hyung, or if this means that he must be so pathetic that she felt pity. After all, without Sehee, Jongin is a loner. Apart from Baekhee, there aren't many people he socializes with on a regular base, and even with Baekhee, the convos are scarce. The girl is too occupied with her own boyfriend.  
  
The silence between them is not the usual, comfortable one, but a rather awkward one. At least, that is what Jongin thinks. Sehee doesn't seem to be bothered much as she is the first one to speak again.  
  
"Are you feeling better now?"  
  
Jongin nods and watches in amazement as she breaks out into that blending smile, the one radiating happiness. It seeps into his skin and Jongin feels a bit happier, too. Sehee just has that effect on him.  
  
"Come on, let's get our teeth brushed and face washed. You seem healthy enough to get up again," Sehee says and pulls him up, dragging him to the bathroom.  
  
  
  
  
  
It really shouldn't be this comfortable, going through parts of their morning routine together. Isn't it a bit too intimate to brush their teeth while standing next to each other in the bathroom? Or washing their faces together? But then again, sleeping in one bed and seeing each other's faces first thing in the morning is intimate, too, because in those few minutes one lays bare. It is the most honest, the realest version of a person one sees deep at night when both are sleepy, and it is the same first thing in the morning, too.  
  
  
  
  
  
The familiarity with each other from years of childhood spent together has not changed at all. Sehee is just as chirpy and adorable at the breakfast table as years ago, after regular sleepovers. Jongin's parents don't seem to be fazed seeing both of them coming downstairs together, one in clad embarrassing cartoon print pajamas and the other in a crinkled shirt and jeans. They are holding hands even, and the warmth of Sehee's palm in his is familar and comforting, too.  
  
"Thanks for looking after Jongin while I was at work," Mrs. Kim says, smiling at Sehee. In moments like these, Jongin imagines them to be a whole big family. He can imagine Sehee living here, being a great daughter-in-law, and Jongin's mother surely would continue to dote on her as she has always been. Jongin's father, too, has a soft spot for their friends' daughter and Jongin's best friend, but who hasn't? She is a well-mannered, polite and warm-hearted girl.  
  
"No problem," Sehee says as she helps setting the table. Jongin only sits there, waiting to be served, because both Mrs. Kim and Sehee have been fussing over him. They didn't allow him to move a finger.  
  
"You're a sweet girl. I'm glad you two are still best friends," Mrs. Kim says. Sehee's soft laughter fills the room and Jongin can't imagine anything nicer than this moment. That is until Sehee sneezes. Jongin blinks, Mr. Kim looks up from the newspaper and Mrs. Kim stills in her movement.  
  
"Well, as much as I am thankful for you taking care of Jongin as always, I think you shouldn't have slept and cuddled with him. You caught his cold now. Don't be so careless next time."  
  
"I can't promise that," Sehee says, slightly pouting. "Jongin seemed to be very upset being this sick, and I know that only cuddles help then. He'd do the same for me, wouldn't you Jongin?"  
  
Jongin nods, his smile growing wider until his jaw aches with how wide his grin is. Mrs. Kim just smiles.  
  
  
  
  
  
After breakfast, Sehee's condition seems to be detoriating, almost reaching a state as bad as Jongin's yesterday, and so Mrs. Kim has ruled for her to stay here for a night. It is a Saturday and Sehee's parents aren't home after all, and so the Kims would take care of her, both Mr. and Mrs. Kim, but Jongin, too. At least he tries with a hand rubbing over Sehee's back, trying to comfort her as they are cuddled in bed together, both doing their best to rest.


	10. Chapter 10

In the end, Sehee has spent the whole weekend at Jongin's place, and since Sehee, too, was sick, Mrs. Kim gave up trying to separate them. They have been sleeping most of the time, cuddled together under Jongin's blanket. Each time Jongin woke up, his lips curled into a smile upon seeing his best friend right there, next to him. Sehee, too, has been in a rather good mood, despite complaining about a headache. She has been giggling a lot, face nuzzling into Jongin's chest when she tried to fall asleep again, and Jongin has imagined them as a married couple each time Sehee did that. That is how a married couple would be in bed, right? Simply enjoying each other's presence, the constant sound of heartbeats and rhythmic breath, the feeling of comfort and warmth.  
  
Monday, too, Sehee woke up in Jongin's bed, and although both felt considerably better, none was allowed to go to school yet. The doctor who stopped by - Jongin's uncle actually - has told them to rest for at least two more days, and Mrs. Kim has informed both school and Sehee's parents, who came to pick Sehee up later that night, coming straight from the airport. They were on a business trip.  
  
By Thursday, Sehee and Jongin are back at school, their noses runny still, but apart from the occasional sneeze, they are doing okay. Baekhee and Chanyeol are sitting with them during lunch time, and while Chanyeol chatters away, Baekhee keeps looking between Jongin and Sehee, both exceptionally quiet today.  
  
"It's the sore throat," Jongin reassures, but Baekhee knows better than to trust Jongin's words. Maybe Sehee's throat is hurting, but Jongin's certainly does not when he can still speak in class, replying as lengthy as always without a single cough. She knows better than to prod though. She already has her guesses, knowing both Jongin and Sehee for years now, and questions might be more appropriate at a later time. For now she lets her boyfriend do all the talk, filling the table with an almost monologue, only disrupted by Baekhee's occasional sassy comments.  
  
  
  
  
  
Baekhee seems to make it a habit now. She is not having lunch at Chanyeol's classroom anymore, but drags her boyfriend to join Jongin and Sehee. It is more fun like that, Jongin thinks, and he is surely relieved to find their topics straying, rather than focusing on Minseok, Minseok, Minseok, when he is left alone with his best friend.  
  
Jongin glances over at Baekhee, his smile a grateful one whenever their eyes meet.  
  
  
  
  
  
It is easy to forget that Sehee has a boyfriend when said boyfriend is not mentioned in any conversation. Sooner or later though, both Jongin and Baekhee know that they cannot avoid the topic of Minseok. It is Sehee's birthday soon, and she is revealing her plans. Sehee wants to have a small birthday party, with only Jongin, Baekhee, Chanyeol and her boyfriend coming over to her house.  
  
Baekhee looks worried when Jongin meets her eyes, whereas Chanyeol seems enthusiastic at the prospect of a party. Baekhee's gaze is a pitiful one and Jongin doesn't like it one bit, even though it is meant to show empathy.  
  
"You're all coming, right?" Sehee asks with a shy smile. She is looking at Jongin in particular and of course he can't say no. It is Sehee asking him, and although he knows that the sight of Sehee and Minseok together will hurt him, he knows that Sehee spending her birthday without her best friend who has spending all of her birthdays so far will hurt a lot more. Because Sehee will be sad, and Jongin will blame himself, hurting himself like that. He really can't help but do everything to protect her happiness while sacrificing his own. After all, he only has two options that both end up with Jongin feeling tortured, but at least Sehee will be happier if he makes the right choice.  
  
"Of course we will," he tells her with a wide smile, glancing at Baekhee who grimaces. Sehee doesn't seem to realize that it is a sign of disapproval, instead interpreting it as Baekhee fooling around as always.  
  
"Sunday afternoon," Sehee says. "You can come around three? Oh, and you don't need to buy me any presents. I just want to have my friends around, that's all." Her voice is quiet, the tender blush on her face makes her look even younger and morevulnerable, heart laying open for everyone to see. Baekhee's expression softens.  
  
"Silly girl," Baekhee says. "Of course we'll bring presents. Your friends are the best presents you have." The words would seem flippant to other people, but Sehee just nods, her smile widening.  
  
"I know," Sehee whispers, and looks at Jongin, the corners of her lips curling up more, eyes crinkling into a pair of crescents.  
  
  
  
  
  
Just because Sehee said she doesn't want any presents it does not mean that Jongin won't get one. He has a few ideas, already, even if they don't hang out at the mall together anymore. He doesn't need Sehee next to him when he carries her with him in his heart. He can almost hear her, his imagination providing him with an almost perfect illusion of his best friend going shopping with him.  
  
Jongin smiles. He imagines Sehee cooing at the teddy bear in the shop window. He imagines her pointing at a cute hair accessory. He imagines her holding up a volume of their favorite manhwa series, waving it in the air. All of that is to typically Sehee, the lively side of her that is unknown to most, because she is too shy to put herself on display. If she did, Jongin is sure she would have a lot more friends and Jongin would have a lot more competition. While he would love to have more people loving and appreciating Sehee for who she is, at the same time he does not want to fight for her attention, because surely, he would go under in a crowd of people, all trying to get Sehee notice them. A paradox, he thinks, absentmindedly brushing over different items without real intention to buy one.  
  
When Jongin stops thinking, mind going back to the present, he realizes that he is standing in a small shop selling all kinds of accessories and jewelry, index finger stopping right over a pair of bracelets in a vitrine. Two silver bands, one slightly thinner than the other, with a small pendant dividing each in halves. It is the symbol for infinity, and somehow, Jongin likes that idea. Friendship bracelets, expressing a wish of forever.  
  
They are quite costly, Jongin thinks, but he hasn't spent a lot of money lately, staying at home instead of eating out with Sehee, and so he can afford it. He will come back later for it, when he brings enough money with him.  
  
  
  
  
  
Jongin tries his best not to look mopey on Sehee's birthday. They are sitting in the living-room, Sehee sandwiched between her best friend and her boyfriend, and it is time to give her presents - despite the birthday girl's protests. They have eaten cake and sung for her earlier, Chanyeol even playing the guitar as accompany.  
  
There are a total of three wrapped presents in front of Sehee now, and seems indecisive, eyes flickering from one to the other.  
  
"Here, open ours first," Baekhee says then, pushing a white box towards Sehee. Sehee takes it, reading the card attached on it first. Jongin can see the tears wanting to spill, but he is sure it is tears of happiness and joy as she is hugging Baekhee tightly. Chanyeol receives a thankful smile, returning it with a thumbs up and the command to hurry up and unwrap the present already. Sehee does so, blinking at the book she finds inside.  
  
"Really?" Minseok asks, laughing when Sehee holds the book up with a pout. It is a recipe book.  
  
"Really," Baekhee replies playfully, sticking her tongue out. "Chanyeol and I decided that it's time for Sehee to learn cooking, too. She can't keep baking only. How is she supposed to survive college if she only knows how to bake?"  
  
"Good point," Minseok says, laughing, and Jongin hates how he can't hate Minseok. The older boy is perfect for Sehee, he can see it now. There is something playful, boyish about Minseok, yet he seems perfectly capable, his words well measured and thought of. He is all Jongin can hope to become; a real pillar for Sehee.  
  
"Are you saying you're all doubting my cooking skills?" Sehee asks. She is staring at Jongin now, somewhat hopeful.  
  
"Sehee is really good at warming up soups," Jongin says and promptly gets elbowed. It doesn't hurt, because Sehee will never and can never hurt him physically. It makes him laugh instead, and the whole table breaks out in laughter, Sehee following hesitantly.  
  
"Jongin's or Minseok-oppa's present next?" Baekhee asks then. Minseok and Jongin look at each other, silently trying to figure out who would want to go next. Finally, Jongin decides to give his present. He is a bit nervous, because the present he ended up buying is not as perfect as the one he wanted to give originally; when he arrived at that store, the bracelets have been sold already.  
  
Biting down on his lip, he watches Sehee unwrapping the box with care. He is holding his breath, too, only releasing it when Sehee turns to him to wrap him into a tight hug as well. "Thank you," Sehee whispers. "How did you know I wanted this? I've been trying to save money to buy this for weeks!"  
  
"Intuition," Jongin says. All the tension of possibly getting an item Sehee might not want dissolving just like that. He is glad that he still knows Sehee in and out, despite the smaller amount of time spent together for the past months. Isn't it almost a year even, since Sehee and Minseok started dating?  
  
"I'll wear it now," Sehee announces, taking off her earrings to wear the ones Jongin has chosen for her, similar to the ones Sehee has worn for a photoshooting a month ago, the last one he has accompanied her to. He remembers well how she has been talking about those earrings, how she loved the look of delicate silver stars hanging from her ears, almost like they are raining down. Jongin has agreed, simply because he thinks everything looks good on her.  
  
"Pretty," Minseok comments, and Jongin beams more when Sehee grins at him, waiting for Jongin to say something, too.  
  
"They suit you really well," Jongin says.  
  
"I can't believe you found them and bought them for me," Sehee mumbles, shaking her head and hugging him once again. "Really, thank you, Jongin."  
  
Jongin nods, watching Sehee unwrap the last present. He doesn't need to hear Sehee's gasp or her voice, calling out Minseok's name in a pleasant surprise, to know that nothing can top Jongin's intution when it comes to Sehee. Apparently, nothing can top Minseok's good taste and intuition when it comes to Sehee either, because the friendship bracelet Jongin has planned to buy are in that box, as a present from Minseok to his girlfriend Sehee, and not as a present from Jongin to his best friend and unrequited love.  
  
The other presents are all forgotten when Minseok takes the bracelets out, strapping one around Sehee's wrist. Sehee leans in to whisper her thanks and Jongin looks away, unable to bear the sight of Sehee and Minseok's closeness. He doesn't want to think of the possibility of them kissing either. Not in front of his eyes, he pleads, and looks at Baekhee instead, who is shaking her head, lips set into a thin line.  _I told you_ , she seems to be saying.  _Yeah, you told me_ , Jongin thinks and closes his eyes.


	11. Chapter 11

Jongin is more guarded now. He doesn't want to get more hurt than he is right now, so he tries to unlove Sehee, no matter how hard it is. He is determined to do so, although it is an almost impossible task, when all he thinks about is Sehee. Even when she is not around - his thoughts will always somehow find back to her.

 

Distance is the key, he thinks, and he welcomes distraction, too. He focuses more on his schoolwork now, while trying to figure out what to do after graduation though it is still 3 more years of high school. He can't keep following his best friend around forever, right? They are not destined to spend the rest of their lives together and next to each other. That spot is reserved for Minseok, not for him.

 

He halts his movement and stares down at the paper he is currently trying to write. Instead of the essay on World War II he has started to write Sehee's name at some point. Another page of paper wasted. But is it really a waste if it is also a prove of his undying love for her? He won't be able to ever forget Sehee or ever unlove her completely. Right now it seems impossible, but he hopes that one day he will be over her. He wants to try and imagine his future life with someone else by his side. Sehee wouldn't be excluded from his future, that would be too cruel to both Sehee and his own heart, but he tries to imagine her not as the loving wife he would come home to after work everyday, but as his best friend Sehee, married to Minseok and visiting frequently because she is friends with Jongin's future wife, too. He tries to imagine his future significant other. It definitely can't be Sehee, but it will be a girl he would do his best to try and love as much as he loved Sehee now.

 

Jongin shakes his head and sighs. Things aren't really improving. He is still thinking about Sehee too much for his own good and it doesn't seem like he could stop anytime soon, not even when Sehee has almost disappeared from his life, except for the few hours on weekdays they spend at school.

 

 

 

 

 

"Hey, Jongin," Sehee greets him, a pretty smile on her face and a cupcake in her hand, neatly packed in transparent foil with a pretty bow on top of that. "This is for you."

 

Jongin raises an eyebrow but stretches his hand out to receive the sweet treat nonetheless. He thanks her in a quiet voice and with a little smile, though he can't help but ask. He is curious.

 

"What's the occasion?"

 

"I feel like we grew distant lately," she says as she takes a seat next to him. "And I want to apologize. It's my fault. I've been neglecting you ever since I started dating and it just doesn't feel right. You're very important to me, too, so that is why. Are we best friends again?"

 

Before Jongin can give a reply, class starts and their teacher hushes them, demanding their attention to be set on the blackboard and not on private talks, and Sehee, being the good girl she is, looks to the front and listens intently, so Jongin ends up doing the same.

 

He wants to talk to her about their friendship during lunch, but somehow he can't find the right words. He hasn't even come to a decision yet, because he wants both - he wants Sehee to distance herself further so his heart can heal faster, so he can get over her easier, but at the same time he wants her close, too. He is still pretty much in love with her and not seeing her, not being able to check on her hurts him just as much. He is in a dilemma.

 

In the end he doesn't talk about it at all. They just chatter as usual; fun, casual talk with Chanyeol's hilarious jokes and Baekhee's snarky comments in between. Maybe it's better like that, he thinks. Keep doing whatever they have been doing and pretending everything is okay. It is easier to believe in the beautiful surface, rather than dig deeper and find all the ugly scars and holes that are impossible to fix. If the facade breaks one day, he will think of a solution then.

 

 

 

 

 

How does one forget and get over a crush if said crush is always around? Ever after Sehee has brought him that cupcake - selfmade as she assures him - she has been spending more time with Jongin again. Jongin isn't quite sure why she is not meeting up with Minseok every weekend, but he doesn't pry either. He is just happy to have her close again, even if all they do is study and eat. Their exams are coming up and as always, Jongin does his best to help and explain whenever Sehee stumbles over a question she can't seem to find the answer to.

 

Sehee is not stupid, but different from Jongin, she doesn't grasp as fast he does, nor does she remember much of what they learn in school. She is not too fond of memorizing facts, which is why she has turned down offers from different agencies that wanted to take her under contract and train her to become singer or actress. Sehee would not manage to learn the lines, neither of songs, nor of scripts, and it would just stress her out. She is fine being a freelance model though, happy, because there are no food restrictions as she has no longterm contract that tells her to keep a diet; she just signs contracts for projects, and that's all.

 

Jongin and Sehee meet up every Saturday and Sunday, now, too. There doesn't seem to be much room for Minseok when he knows that usually, they would only meet on weekends. It is almost as if Minseok doesn't exist anymore, as if he had never gotten between the two best friends. Jongin knows better though. Occasionally, Sehee would smile at her phone and type a response, her face beaming. It can only be Minseok, right? So they are still in a well functioning relationship. Maybe Minseok is only busy with his exams, too. That must be it, Jongin thinks.

 

 

 

 

 

Time flies by when one is so busy. It has been two months of studying, studying and studying nonstop for their finals - because their grades determine if they can continue at the high school they want or not. Luckily, it is all over now, and both Sehee and Jongin feel relieved when they get their results: Jongin passes most of his exams with flying colors and Sehee, as well as Baekhee and Chanyeol, all three of them get far better results than they had aimed for and thus they will attend the same high school, and hopefully be in the same class.

 

It is summer vacation now, and Jongin almost expects Sehee to go back to Minseok and ignore him again, but it is on the contrary. Sehee asks him to hang out together with her and Jongin can't say no. He still likes her, too much for his own good, but at the moment he is happy. Maybe, if he just keeps staying by her side, maybe his feelings will return to what they were before and what they are supposed to be - simply platonic.

 

 

 

 

 

They spend days lazing around at home, lounging in front of a fan because it is too hot outside. On other days, when they feel energetic, they go to the pool. Baekhee and Chanyeol are with them more often than not, and Jongin is very thankful that Sehee doesn't wear flimsy bikinis like Baekhee does. Sehee looks more modest, yet she still attracts boys and men alike. He keeps a close watch on her, always there to pretend to be her boyfriend whenever she gets pestered by pushy guys.

 

On other days they have picnics in the park. Sometimes they go cycling, sometimes they go skating there, too. Sehee is energetic as always, loving sports and moving around much more than the rest of them does, so she is the last one to tire out.

 

Jongin likes watching her when she is in high spirits, but most of all he loves it when she performs. Sehee has found a new hobby, and that is dancing. She watches videos on youtube and just moves along and even if not all the steps are the same as the original it looks stunning nonetheless. Both her and Baekhee together make a pretty sight as they dance in the park, music turned up loud enough to dance to but not to disturb people who pass by. As if they would feel disturbed. Most of them stop to watch the two high schoolers dance, some people even mistaking them for street performers.

 

"You're so lazy," Sehee tells him one day. She has been persuading him to dance, but Jongin doesn't like that. He isn't into dance; the most he can manage is slow waltz. If it is about being active, then he prefers soccer, actually, but being the bookworm and video game lover he is, he hasn't entered the soccer club in middle school. Not to mention that he has skateboarding, too, and he rather spends his time with Sehee than doing club activities.

 

"I'm not lazy," Jongin huffs. "I do skateboarding, too. Besides, if I was lazy, I wouldn't even leave the house. I wouldn't be sitting here and treating you to ice cream, so be thankful and stop insulting me."

 

"Yeah yeah," Sehee says and motions him to open his mouth wide. Jongin does and lets her feed him with a grin, wishing everything could stay like this. He might not be Sehee's boyfriend, but Sehee is so good to him now, paying so much attention to him that he can almost imagine being her other half. Only almost. He shakes that dangerous thought off because Minseok is still there, not right here in this moment, but he must always be present at the back of Sehee's head, just like Sehee is always present in Jongin's thoughts, too.

 

Jongin hates this, but he needs to keep reminding himself that he is not supposed to daydream, that he is not supposed to keep his hopes up high. And so he starts talking about the topic he has always been avoiding before. If he confronts himself with what he fears the most he might be cured one day, right? Shouldn't feelings like these work the same as phobias? He <i>is</i> scared after all, scared by the thought of losing her.

 

"How is Minseok-hyung doing?"

 

Sehee stops in her tracks. She looks surprised, like a deer caught in the headlights.

 

"Minseok-oppa?" She asks.

 

"Is he still busy with preparations for entrance exams? You said he's aiming for one of the SKY universities, right?" He asks, ignoring the little stab at his heart. He needs this, he reminds himself. To wake up from all his day dreams. To get rid of that fear and anxiety that has been following for quite some time.

 

"Yeah," Sehee replies with a barely there smile. "He's doing okay."


	12. Chapter 12

If Jongin notices Sehee talking about Minseok less and less, he doesn’t comment on it. He doesn’t want to come off as nosy, because that part of Sehee’s life - her love life and her relationships - that is a thing he cannot and is not supposed to control. He has no right to ask about it, and so he doesn’t. He waits for his best friend to tell him when she wants to instead. Sehee will come to him when she needs him, right?  
  
There is another reason though. Jongin is still very much in love with her – in the process of unloving, but apparently still in the first stage that is… what actually? What is he supposed to do in the first stage to progress to the next one? He is not sure. Most probably slow detachment, but that will be difficult when they will see each other every day in the upcoming weeks. They will share a room even, because there’s not more space in the small cottage Jongin’s parents own, hundreds of kilometers away in the south, in a nameless village by the Eastern Sea. Their summer residence, the place Jongin has spent every summer holiday with his family and Sehee’s.  
  
This year it is different though. Sehee’s parents are needed at a newly established branch of their company, and so they are on a business trip somewhere in the US, leaving Sehee with the decision to either tag along – and spend her days alone because her parents can’t take her sightseeing much – or to join the Kims for a beach holiday. Naturally, she has chosen the latter, not minding that she won’t even get her own room, although Jongin has offered to sleep on the living room couch so she could use a whole room to herself.  
  
“Silly,” Sehee has laughed. “It’s no different from me sleeping over at your place or you sleeping over at mine.”  
  
It might not be any different for Sehee, but for Jongin, there are differences. It is not only one night, but several, almost like living together. They will sleep in the same bed even. It is a taste of what might be waiting for another Jongin in a parallel universe, a Jongin who gets to marry his beloved Sehee and live with her forever until death parts them. And while he really would like to see how it will feel like, he knows it’s not good for his heart and mental health.  
  
Still, he doesn’t protest. It would only upset Sehee as she will start to question their friendship and that is another thing he doesn’t want. And when Sehee asks him excitedly if he has already packed for their beach vacation the next week, Jongin smiles and pretends to be as enthusiastic as Sehee is.  
  
  
  
  
  
So here they are, stuck in the Kim’s car on their way south. Sehee has been rather quiet, not chattering with Mrs. Kim but Jongin figures she is sleepy, and so is he. Maybe she is a bit sad, too, being far away from her parents for the first time.  
  
They have bid farewell to Sehee’s parents just an hour ago, early in the morning so they can still catch their flight, and Jongin’s parents, figuring that they’d be awake at that time either way since Jongin insisted on sending Mr. and Mrs. Oh off, too, have decided to depart right away as well. They have brought Sehee’s parents to the airport with their minivan before heading towards their little summer residence not too far from Busan.  
  
“You should sleep a bit more,” Mrs. Kim says with a chuckle when she turns around to check on the kids. Jongin nods and wraps the blanket around both himself and Sehee. The aircon is blasting, so it’s a bit cold. Jongin’s father prefers it that way though and no one can protest when he says the coldness keeps him awake. He is the driver after all.  
  
Sehee smiles a thankful smile, leaning closer to rest her head on Jongin’s shoulder. Jongin takes his iPod and chooses his lullaby playlist containing mostly ballads and calming piano pieces. It’s what he and Sehee always hear when they have trouble falling asleep or when they want to go to bed in general. He hands Sehee an earbud but discovers that she is asleep already, so he closes his eyes and drifts off, too, a little smile on his face because next to Sehee, he feels warm and comfortable. It should always be like this.  
  
  
  
  
  
Hours later they are woken by Mrs. Kim. Apparently they have slept the whole drive, and now that it is early afternoon, they have arrived at the Kim’s holiday residence, a small, cute house on top of a hill, further away from the village but that is okay. They can get their groceries by car. Besides, they are closer to the beach like that.  
  
Jongin and Sehee are forced to have some lunch first, despite both feeling too giddy and excited to stay inside. It is summer, it is hot, and the cooling breeze that comes with the salty smell of the sea seems to be calling them. There is no use fighting off a worried mother though, and with Sehee being Mrs. Kim’s best friend’s precious daughter, she is taking extra care of her.  
  
They both down their simple lunch – pasta with tomato sauce – as fast as they can before both grab their little bags, already prepared with everything they will need at the beach, the rest of their luggage abandoned in Jongin and Sehee’s room. Mrs. Kim yells after them, reminding them to use sun lotion and to come back early enough for dinner. The adults won’t be coming to the beach so soon. They are going grocery shopping first, preparing for a barbecue later that night.  
  
Jongin and Sehee are laughing as they run towards the beach. Jongin runs faster, so he pulls Sehee along, their fingers tightly intertwined as they hold hands.  
  
“Not so fast,” Sehee says, laughter tinkling and defying her complaint. She probably doesn’t mind, yet Jongin slows down a bit, and being the gentleman he is, he takes her bag to shoulder it, carrying it for her, too. Sehee laughs, telling him she can carry it by herself, but Jongin is adamant about it and Sehee shrugs.  
  
They arrive at the beach within ten minutes, panting as if they have just completed a marathon.  
  
“Let’s meet here in ten minutes,” Jongin says and Sehee nods, stalking off to the changing rooms. Jongin looks after her, waiting until she is inside of one of the changing cubicles before he goes to find one of his own to change into swimming shorts, and exactly ten minutes later he finds Sehee looking quite scared in front of two taller and clearly elder guys. He sighs.  
  
“Sehee,” he calls out, taking note of her relieved sigh. She looks happy to see him, and Jongin jogs towards her, an arm slung around her shoulders to mark her as off limits, eyes glaring at the two college students that had tried to hit on her. They would have dragged her off, too, probably, if it wasn’t for Jongin hurrying over. And luckily for both Jongin and Sehee, those two guys walk off, losing all interest in her because she had a male by her side.  
  
“You need to be more careful, Sehee. Tell them you have a boyfriend,” Jongin says.  
  
“But I did. They didn’t want to believe me though. But thanks for coming to my rescue.” Sehee’s smile is blinding as usual, brighter than the sun that is shining down on them unforgivingly. Jongin quickly leads her to one of the beach houses that rent sun loungers placed all over the beach. They choose two seats under an umbrella, where they put their towels, the rest of their belongings and their bags stored in one of the lockers placed there. Jongin keeps the money in a plastic bag, putting it in his shorts’ pocket that has a zipper.  
  
“Sun lotion,” Sehee says as they settle down for a bit. It is a bit too warm to swim anyway. If they don’t want to get a bad sunburn they will need to wait for a while when the sun is not so merciless.  
  
“Sun lotion,” Jongin repeats and uncaps the bottle. He squirts some onto Sehee’s waiting hands before taking care of himself, rubbing the lotion everywhere he can reach before the part comes that he dreads most: helping each other with the lotion. Before he might not have a problem with it, but now when he has thought about kissing and touching Sehee – Jongin is just another teenager and not a saint, he is just another victim of hormones raging inside of his body, wet dreams and pimples proof enough – so it seems wrong to actually touch her other than holding her hand. It feels too intimate.  
  
And yet Jongin can’t say no. He applies lotion on her back, rubbing it into her skin while trying not to think about how soft it feels beneath his hands. And when she does the same for him, he does his best not to be too excited about it.  
  
After an excruciatingly long time, probably not longer than two minutes in real time, Sehee is finished and beams at him. The bottle of lotion is still on the table, as are their drinks that have been brought by a waiter minutes ago. Sehee is sipping on her orange juice now, resting beneath the shade. They can’t go into the water immediately, the lotion needs half an hour to seep into their skin. At least that is what is written on the bottle.  
  
Jongin leans back in his seat, eyes closing for a few minutes of rest before he would go into the water later. He feels a bit tired despite having spent most of the day sleeping so far. Is it because of his inner turmoil when Sehee is close? When he sees Sehee being in danger? When he sees Sehee in a black swim suit, rather conservative because it doesn’t show as much skin as a bikini yet it shows off her pretty figure, hugging her in all the right places? There is not only the longing to be in the place next to her, but also the longing to touch, to hug and to keep her close, the longing to be the only one who is allowed to be so close to her, both physically and mentally. It is the physical part that gives him a headache now, because the crush he has on her he could turn back into friendship or brotherly love one day. He hopes so.  
  
“Do you think it’s been half an hour?”  
  
Jongin cracks open an eye to see Sehee hovering above him, a mischievous grin on her face. It is contagious, seeing her so bright and excited. Jongin cracks a smile, too, and breaks out in full laughter when she pulls him up and into the water. For now he decides to postpone all the mulling and thinking. It is summer, and during summer holidays it is better to just enjoy life when their second year of high school is approaching. The second year that seems almost more important than their last since they have to start working towards a goal, a goal Jongin hasn’t defined for himself yet.


	13. Chapter 13

“I think you have an admirer,” are the words Jongin is greeted with when Sehee joins him at the beach. She has been playing in the water while he has lazed around for a while. To tan, he explained to her, but she knew it was a lie. Who was trying to tan while laying under a huge sunshade? She has shook her head and laughed, stalking off all alone because stubborn as she was, she still wanted to go into the water.  
  
Jongin has been keeping an eye on her for the whole time, watching from behind his sun glasses. Sehee has been swimming, smartly staying away from teenage groups and mingling with families instead. It made him smile to see her play with kids, but at some point she had to part with them for the parents wanted to go back to the hotel or something of that sort so she trotted back to their seats.  
  
“An admirer?” Jongin repeats a bit skeptically, looking around but not seeing anyone in particular looking his way. He tried not to think of what it meant if Sehee spotted a girl interested in him. Was she paying attention to him and their surroundings? Did she feel threatened? But most probably, if anything, she would just see her spot as his best friend threatened.  
  
“Stupid,” she laughed. “She’s looking away because I came back. Probably thinks I’m your girlfriend, but I’m not.” Jongin doesn’t feel too good when Sehee says that, not only because she’s making clear what they are, but also because he can foresee Sehee doing something absolutely unnecessary and possibly embarrassing.  
  
And his gut feelings are right. Sehee is standing up and marching over to a girl who sits a bit further away from her group of friends, not all too happy to sit there. Even from his spot twenty meters away Jongin can sense her stiffen, unsure of Sehee’s motives. She might be fearing a jealous girlfriend bullying her for staring at her boyfriend, but that thought is ridiculous if thought about Sehee. She is too nice to do something like that, and she is not necessarily clingy. Otherwise she would be texting Minseok nonstop now, right?  
  
After what seems like an excruciatingly long time Sehee comes back, a bright grin on her face.  
  
“Her name is Soojung,” she says. “I invited her over for barbecue later tonight. Your parents won’t be angry, right?”  
  
“Of course not,” Jongin says, glancing over to Soojung who seems to be bombarded by her friends right now, all curious because Sehee has been approaching her. At least that is what Jongin guesses.  
  
“It will be fun,” Sehee promises and pulls a startled Jongin up, her dainty fingers wrapped around his wrists. She is beaming for whatever reason, maybe happy because she thinks she’s helping her best friend out. Her best friend who hasn’t been dating anyone after Jinri. But does he really want a summer fling? He doesn’t.  
  
“But for now let’s swim a few rounds,” Sehee says, and this time Jongin gives in. He follows her into the water where they swim and splash water around, the whole dating and inviting a stranger for dinner quickly forgotten when laughter and warmth fills him instead.  
  
  
  
  
  
It all comes back to him later. When he steps out of the changing cubicle he can see Sehee chattering with the girl. Like a gentleman, he has let Sehee go first, rinsing off the sea water and sand as he waited outside patiently, watchful of anyone who might do her any harm, although it is a ridiculous thought since those cubicles can be locked from the inside.  
  
“Hi,” Jongin greets the other girl who suddenly goes quiet, her body moving away from him to inch closer to Sehee.  
  
“Jongin, this is Soojung,” Sehee introduces them, cheerful as always. “Soojung, this is Jongin.”  
  
They nod at each other, a bit awkward, but the ice breaks soon as they walk back to the Kim’s cottage, talking and laughing. Apparently, it is Soojung’s last summer vacation with her friends before she will move to Seoul; her father has gotten a promotion and that is why he is already working at the main branch in the capital city, his family only moving up after the school year is over as a breach in the middle of the year would be difficult for the kids, Soojung and her sister.  
  
“Soojung’s gonna start at our high school,” Sehee says. “So we might be put together in a class. Wouldn’t that be wonderful?”  
  
“It’s nice,” Soojung says, grinning widely. “I’d have friends before even starting school there. Now I’m less scared of the first school day.”  
  
“Don’t worry,” Jongin says, now more comfortable because Soojung seems like a friendly girl. “The people there are actually quite nice. At least the ones that come from our middle school, and when you’re there we’ll introduce you to our small group of friends.”  
  
“You will love Baekhee!” Sehee adds. “She is super sweet and nice.”  
  
Jongin can only chuckle at that. It is true that Baekhee is nice, but he needs to warn the new girl, too. “Yeah, but sometimes a bit overbearing and too protective of Sehee. Not to mention that her choice of words is a bit debatable at times.”  
  
“But it’s not so bad. You’ll like her, and you will like her boyfriend Chanyeol, too. Chanyeol’s really good at singing and making music. And he’s funny, too.”  
  
Soojung nods, seemingly a bit overwhelmed with so much information but she looks happy nonetheless, a bit glad, too, Jongin supposes. Leaving behind good friends to move to a new place is scary, and Jongin is glad he has never had to live through that. He doesn’t know if he could handle being separated from Sehee. After all, even if they are not what he wishes them to be, they are still best friends and soulmates, each other’s pillar to get through all difficulties while growing up. They’ve always had each other and being unable to call each other or visit each other spontanously seems odd.  
  
  
  
  
  
“We’re back,” Jongin hollers when they step into the cottage, the door left wide open. His parents are greeting them back from the kitchen and the kids hurry there to help. As expected, the Kims are fine with Sehee and Jongin inviting another friend, though they ask for Soojung to call her parents and make sure it’s really fine like that.  
  
“This is the first time Sehee and Jongin are bringing a friend to our holiday cottage,” Mrs. Kim says, smiling as she cuts the salad. Sehee and Soojung are standing next to her, helping with the salad as well while Jongin is outside helping his father with the grill.  
  
“Really?” Soojung asks.  
  
“Yeah. Maybe they’re getting bored of each other, that’s why they need someone else around,” Mrs. Kim laughs, the teasing directed at Sehee.  
  
“Maybe,” Sehee chuckles.  
  
“I heard that!” Jongin yells from outside, laughing when he sees Sehee sticking her head out of the window to stick her tongue out at him.  
  
Sehee seems happy to have another friend around so Jongin doesn’t say anything, but at the same time he can’t help wondering about her motives. Is she trying to bring someone else in to weaken their bond? Is she opening what has been exclusive to them as best friends so it would not feel as special anymore? Would this be the end to being best friends? Is it because she knows what he is feeling? Has she finally realized?  
  
There are a lot of questions Jongin wants to see answered but at the same time he fears he might not like the reasons and so he stays quiet, accepting everything and trying his best to cope with the situation. It’s not like he could change it now. He should have said no right away, but he didn’t. This is the punishment for always giving in to Sehee.  
  
“Should we get more meat?” Mr. Kim asks then and Jongin blinks, staring at the pile of pork and beef and chicken on the two plates, waiting to be grilled. He doubts they would be able to eat up, even with the addition of Soojung. He knows Sehee prefers to eat lots of the salad - because she likes light food and not because she is on diet for her on and off modeling career.  
  
“I think that’s enough for two meals actually,” Jongin replies. “You always buy too much meat on the first night and complain how it’s a waste because we can’t finish, dad.”  
  
“That’s true,” his father chuckles. “But who knows, one of you might be really hungry. It’s better to have some leftover than not being able to provide enough for you growing kids, right?”  
  
  
  
  
  
Jongin’s father was wrong. There was so much leftover that Mrs. Kim was scolding her husband, the kids hiding away so they would not have to witness that scene. Soojung looks worried but both Sehee and Jongin are used to the couple’s quarrels, knowing that they would soon be all lovey dovey again, the way that Jongin has imagined for himself and Sehee to be ten, twenty years into their marriage, a marriage that seemed impossible now.  
  
“They’ll make up in no time,” Jongin shrugs. “They fight a lot over stupid things, but it’s always verbal and after a few minutes they will both start to apologize to each other. My mom hates it when they fight and my dad doesn’t like upsetting my mom, although he often does because he has his man pride.”  
  
“Wow,” Soojung says. “I hope you’re right.”  
  
He shrugs it off, but actually, he is not as cool about it as he pretends to be. Sometimes he is scared to see his parents breaking away from each other, like his cousin’s parents did, or like Sehee’s parents almost did once. He has witnessed the Ohs, two wonderful people who love each other more than anything in the world - except for their daughter - fighting and getting loud one day, and if it wasn’t for Mrs. Oh noticing that Sehee had run away without telling them, then Mr. Oh might have left the house already, his suitcase packed in a rush. Instead, both adults were rushing out to find their precious daughter instead who was hiding with Jongin at the local playground.  
  
Jongin isn’t sure if Sehee remembers. It had been traumatic for her, a child of five, to see her parents screaming at each other when she is used to sweet words exchanged between them only. But maybe that is the problem. The Ohs rarely take out any fights, feelings and thoughts, all the bad vibes are always kept in until they explode instead of venting it out right away.  
  
“I’m pretty sure Jongin is right,” Sehee says and points to the sky. “Look, shooting stars. Let’s not mull over sad things, let’s wish some happiness into everyone’s life.”  
  
And really, there are a few shooting stars, and Jongin closes his eyes for his one and only wish, a selfish one, but that is the one that comes to his mind first.  
  
 _Please make Sehee love me_.


	14. Chapter 14

Within the blink of an eye, summer is passing by and almost gone. People are right when they say the happiest times feel like they’re flying by and now that autumn’s nearing, some sort of bittersweet melancholy settles in. Jongin is sitting on his bed, back in Seoul, and Sehee is sitting next to him, her warm body leaning into his, head resting on his shoulder. They are watching a movie on his laptop. Well, Sehee is watching, Jongin is just thinking.  
  
Their summer vacation has been great. They have spent almost a month there, and every day was filled with beach games, sunshine, ice cream and laughter. Soojung has been tagging along with her friends, all of them nice and friendly girls, and although Jongin should have felt out of place among so many girls, he had been comfortable instead. Sehee and Soojung both have included him in their conversation, steering away from topics that Jongin could not talk about much, such as make-up brands, fashion, or girl’s clothing.  
  
Soojung has been especially nice to him, always volunteering to help him with whatever task he has been asked to do. At first it had felt weird, but Sehee has been smiling at him, encouraging him to go on, so Jongin did. And talking to Soojung while working side by side had been nice actually, though he’s still wished that Sehee was there next to him instead.  
  
Soojung is similar to Sehee in many ways, he has noticed. She is tall, though not as tall as Sehee, but she is equally pretty and nice. Her smile makes her look cute, too, but it doesn’t make Jongin’s heart clench painfully in his chest because it is just  _too_  cute. Soojung could never be what Sehee is to him, and she could never be someone he would date, for all he knows, he will only be able to go out with a girl he really, really loves. He doesn’t want to have another Jinri in his life, a sweet girl whose feelings he would hurt, simply, because he could never give her everything she deserved; Sehee has always been his first priority and she will forever be and no one could ever change that.  
  
He is aware that Soojung likes him. She tries to be subtle about it, but Jongin catches her looking at him a lot. She laughs at his jokes, too, even if it’s not funny (but then again, Sehee laughs about unfunny things a lot, too, simply because her humor is odd and the smallest things can make her laugh), and she seems to like talking to him. It’s not just simple small talk, but some of the conversations sound like those he would have with Sehee - school, movies, plans for the future. They’ve discussed the later a lot actually.  
  
The biggest difference between Soojung and Sehee would be their dreams. Sehee doesn’t have any real dream. Her reply is simple when asked what she wants to do or be in the future: happy. Soojung, on the other hand, has clear goals and dreams. She is more realistic than Sehee and more determined, too. In a way, it is very admirable, mostly, because Jongin feels like he can’t compete with her. He doesn’t have any real future plans either, except for staying close with Sehee forever and ever.  
  
“I’m sleepy,” Sehee says and yawns. Jongin startles at her voice, waking from his thoughts, and when he peeks at her, he can see Sehee’s eyes closed. They are so close, yet Jongin does not dare to lean in the few inches that separate their faces. Sehee has a boyfriend, he reminds himself. He is is just Sehee’s best friend and protector. He swallows.  
  
“It’s quite late anways,” he mumbles back in reply. “Tomorrow’s the first day of high school. We should go sleep now.”  
  
Sehee hums softly and sits up. They’re both in pajamas already, both have showered and brushed their teeth just before they started the cartoon movie, one that both had been dying to watch but with how drowsy Sehee seems to be, he wonders how much she has actually watched. Probably not more than he did.  
  
The Oh’s are back from the US already, but despite that, Sehee has been over at Jongin’s house for the rest of the vacation, which is almost another full week of Jongin and Sehee hanging out together, and for today, the last Sunday before their high school life starts, Sehee has insisted on sleeping over at his place. And Jongin just couldn’t say no. Sehee has insisted, although it must look weird for the two of them to go to school together the next morning, but then again, there has never been a time they didn’t go together. They lived close by after all. And if Sehee actually _wants_  to spend time with him, then Jongin won’t oppose.  
  
There is still the mystery around Minseok though. Jongin didn’t dare to ask her so he tries to find out by finding hints, yet the only hint there is, is Sehee not contacting Minseok at all. Though that he cannot confirm either because Sehee could be texting with him when she is on her phone - the rare times she is on her phone.  
  
“We’ll meet up with Soojung tomorrow,” Sehee yawns as Jongin slips into bed next to her after turning off the lights. He hums, smiling when he can feel her cuddling close. It’s a warm late summer night, but he doesn’t mind the heat radiating off her body at all. If anything, it only comforts him in its familiarity. If only they could stay like that forever. At times like these he wishes they would never grow up, forever staying Sehee and Jongin, the two inseparable best friends. High school somehow seems like a threat to him, though he can’t explain why. It’s just his intuition that tells him great changes will come soon.  
  
  
  
  
  
They wake up early enough to get ready for classes. Jongin’s up earlier than Sehee is, and although he knows he shouldn’t have, he has kissed her forehead before slipping out of bed. Sehee has looked peaceful, the tiny smile on her face a sign of comfort that warms Jongin’s heart because Sehee is comfortable with him still. He doesn’t want to think about Sehee getting comfortable with other boys, mainly Minseok, but then again there is no reason for her not to feel safe around her boyfriend.  
  
He’s in the kitchen, helping his mother with setting the breakfast table when Sehee walks in, already looking prim and proper in her school uniform. They smile at each other.  
  
“The high school uniform looks a lot nicer than your middle school ones,” Mrs. Kim says and both teenagers agree. For the rest of the breakfast though, there is silence.  
  
Mr. Kim leaves for work first. He has offered to give the kids a ride, but they have both declined, preferring to walk to school together. They need the morning sports, they have reasoned, otherwise they might not be able to get through hours of classes, not even with the milk coffee that both have drunk, more milk than coffee if Jongin is honest, but that is because Sehee doesn’t like coffee too much. Jongin is fine with drinking coffee when he needs to, but admittedly, coffee latte tastes better than americano or espresso.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
They enter school together, hand in hand as if it’s the most natural thing in the world. There are people staring at them, new faces that don’t know how close Sehee and Jongin actually are. They are greeted by their friends, but by strangers as well, some people recognizing Sehee from her pictorials and photoshootings printed out on teen magazines. Not much longer and Sehee could move up to real fashion magazines, that is if she wants to follow that career path. If she does, Jongin isn’t sure if he will be able to follow her where she goes; fame is not a thing he wants, but the glitter, the glamor and the luxury, all these he wishes for Sehee because her beauty deserves it all. On the other hand it is difficult to imagine model Oh Sehee when all he knows is pretty Sehee enjoy the mundane things in life - bubble tea, sweet treats, petting the pet dog from next door.  
  
“Jongin, Sehee!” They both turn around at the voice, happy smiles plastered on their faces as they recognize it’s Baekhee. A moment later, a lithe, small body flungs itself onto Sehee, successfully separating Jongin from his best friend. He chuckles. It’s so, so much like Baekhee to be overdramatic about not seeing Sehee for a month. But she has bad news, too.  
  
“You’re not in our class this year, Jongin,” Baekhee says, a deep frown on her face. “Chanyeol’s with you in a class, but both of you aren’t in the same class as Sehee and I.”  
  
Both Sehee and Jongin mirror the expression on their friend’s face. There is silence until a voice cuts in, quiet, but loud enough for the group of friends to hear.  
  
“Good morning Jongin, Sehee,” the girl whispers. Jongin forces himself to smile although he feels like his world is crushing down at the prospect of being separated from Sehee. It’s not like they won’t be able to meet up or see each other at all, but being in class together has always made him feel more secure as he could observe their surroundings and see possible competition or threats. Not that he has been able to fight off Minseok like that, but to a certain extent it has given him the reassurance that he’s partaking in a big part of Sehee’s life and that reassurance is now slowly slipping away.  
  
“Hi Soojung,” Sehee replies, voice quieter than usual. Jongin knows by that that she’s not too fond of the change in class arrangements either. They couldn’t switch classes though, not for the sole reason that they want to be in the same class with each other.  
  
Soojung nods and smiles, eyes curious as she looks at Baekhee. “Are you Baekhee? Sehee and Jongin have talked a lot about you,” she says, giving a blinding eye smile that seems to dazzle the other girl for a moment.  
  
“Uh yeah,” Baekhee replies. “I hope it’s only been good things.”  
  
“Only good things,” Soojung reassures and continues in a happy voice. “I’m excited to start here and befriend everyone. I’ll be in class 1-3. What about you?”  
  
“1-2 for Sehee and me,” Baekhee replies. “But Jongin’s gonna be in your class. Chanyeol, too.”  
  
Jongin’s not happy at the revelation, but he smiles nonetheless, not wanting Soojung to feel dejected. After all, she’s just starting here with no other friends than him and Sehee, so of course she would be glad to be in the same class with either of them. He tries not to think about Soojung’s crush on him being more nurtured with every additional moments spent together, more chances of them as they share the same classes, meaning they could sit next to each other and team up for group and partner works even, a thing Jongin wants to avoid. He wants to do all these with Sehee instead to make sure that no stupid guys could hit on her, but also to have an excuse lounging around her place or have her over.  
  
“I guess we’ll see each other at lunch then,” Sehee says. There’s still a bit time until the first class starts, but she seems tired somehow, sad even. Jongin doesn’t want to interpret too much into it; he doesn’t have time to. Soojung is already tugging at the sleeve of his blazer, getting him to head to their classroom.


	15. Chapter 15

Of course, with high school, there comes a significant change in his life. If before, someone told Jongin that things would change this much though, he would surely have laughed at that person and confidently have said no, because there is no way anything could get in between Sehee and him. But of course, life goes differently as one might think.  
  
With Jongin being placed in a different class than Sehee, they don't see each other as often as before. They only spend their lunch breaks together, and after school, Jongin has let the boys in his class convince him to join the soccer club and thus he is busy, too. Truthfully, he might have joined soccer club now only to impress Sehee and appear more manly to her. After all, Minseok-hyung is a dancer as well as a tracker - or was? Jongin isn't sure if Minseok is continuing with that in college as well - with other words, he is fit. Jongin isn't in a bad shape, not necessarily, but of course he is not as fit as someone with sports club activities.  
  
"You know, girls like fit guys," Taemin said, and that's why Jongin tagged along to soccer practice in the first week. That's also why he is a member there now, after excelling in the tryouts - a natural talent, as his seniors would say - and that is the reason why he is not going home after classes with Sehee on three days of the week. But that's okay, right? She has Baekhee with her, and there's her boyfriend, too, who she still meets up with after school sometimes.  
  
The other reason why he isn't spending as much time together with Sehee as before is also related to school. Being in different classes makes things so much more difficult now that there are even more group and partner projects to do to 'school them in the art of teamwork'. If it were simply homework and studying together, then it would be no problem as every class has the same curriculum, but unfortunately, next to the traditional exchanging notes and studying together, Jongin has to meet up with his group members to prepare presentations, and Sehee does the same, too. So if they spent an average of at least fourteen hours a day together before, now it might only be two hours a day at most. It's sad, but Jongin doesn't feel as sad when there are so many other things distracting him - school, soccer, and Soojung.  
  
Now, Jongin isn't falling for Soojung, not at all, but he is spending a lot of time with her and Chanyeol in class. Outside of class, he spends as much time as he can with Sehee, but his bestest of best friends is unfortunately booked and pretty busy on the weekends, so even on their free days he doesn't see much of her. Instead, he hangs out with a different crowd now - with Soojung, Sunyoung, Minho and Taemin - though on the inside he is just yearning for a few more private moments with Sehee. Just two, three hours a week, only the two of them, in either Sehee's or his room, lazing on the bed while watching random video clips, playing video games or just talking. How much he wishes they could be the same way they were before, in middle school, before Sehee has noticed a boy named Kim Minseok.  
  
Things don't really change, not for Jongin, when he has always been in love with Sehee, and with things, he means his wishes, his dreams, his goals. Though momentarily distracted, his thoughts will somehow find their way back to his childhood friend and crush, even if lately he wonders if there is a slight possibility for his feelings to subside over time, for the space in his heart to slowly change to accommodate another person, while Sehee will be put to another spot there, of course never disappearing from his heart, but maybe his love for her could change and return to the way he thought they should be - brotherly love, a best friend's affections, platonic love.  
  
And sometimes, when he sees Soojung, he would ask himself if she had the ability to keep his mind off Sehee, perhaps even turning his central focus on her even. But then he catches a glimpse of Sehee - and it doesn't even have to be Sehee in person for he sees a glimpse of her in the flowers on his way home, in the soft evening breeze on a hot summer day, in the merry laughter of children on the playground - and he is back to square one. Maybe that is how things are supposed to be: Jongin forever loving Sehee quietly from up close.  
  
_We must have been very close in our past lives as well_ , Sehee has said once, and Jongin wants to believe that in their previous lives they had always been close like this, too, closer even. In his past life, he must have been in love with Sehee as well, but did Sehee love him back then? He doesn't know, but he wants to believe and hope that one day Sehee would. But when is one day? Will he be able live until that day, or will he die of heartache before that? Is their story going to be a tragedy that repeats with every new cycle of life?  
  
"Jongin, are you okay?"  
  
Jongin blinks and looks up to find a concerned Soojung staring at him. He gives a little smile and nods. "I'm just a bit tired. School and practice were exhausting lately."  
  
Soojung isn't buying his lie, that much he can tell from her eyes - that is, if he reads her expression like Sehee's, the slight frown on a usually rather impassive face - but she still nods and smiles back a second after, suggesting for him to go home early and not stay for karaoke later. Jongin hasn't planned to do that anyways, so he nods in agreement. And so, after their group dinner he says bye to his friends, but is surprised to find Soojung doing the same, apologizing for going home earlier than planned. He has a feeling why she is doing that, and his guess is confirmed when she follows him, although they don't really live in the same neighborhood. He doesn't want to deal with her now, knowing about her feelings, but it's rather late, and though the district they live in is said to be safe, the dark could still hide potential harm and danger for young and pretty girls, and so Jongin decides to walk her home. Not returning her feelings doesn't mean he can't still be a good and responsible friend.  
  
"You seem really tired lately," Soojung says and all Jongin does is to hum in reply. It's obvious to everyone. Even Sehee has been staring at him with worry in her eyes and something akin to sadness when he would brush it off.  
  
"It's not only because of school and soccer, is it?" She asks. It makes Jongin stop in his tracks, unsure how to reply because Soojung hit the bullseye. Of course she would notice, he thinks, observant as she is, and mostly observant when it comes to Jongin. It's because she likes him a lot, Baekhee has said, that's why she is being the same to him as he is to Sehee. Jongin doesn't think they're that similar though. Jongin is more passive, still hiding his feelings, while Soojung has made it pretty clear from the beginning that she is more than interested in more than a platonic relationship.  
  
"It's Sehee," Soojung whispers and Jongin gulps. He really doesn't want to talk about Sehee now, but he knows Soojung. She is persistent.  
  
"It has always been Sehee," Soojung says, as if she was reading his mind. Or his heart. She is reading his heart that is like an open book, one that everyone has taken a look at, except for the person he has opened it for.  
  
"But don't you think it's about time to let go?"  
  
Soojung is leading a monologue it seems, not even waiting for Jongin to reply as she continues her speech quietly. Jongin wishes she would stop, because everything she says is the truth, and the truth wouldn't be the truth if it didn't hurt.  
  
"Sehee is not in love with you, Jongin. You've been quietly loving her for how long? For years? Do you really think she did not realize? Girls aren't that dense, Jongin. She probably knows, but she keeps that act to protect your friendship. If she loved you back, she would have given you a sign already, no?"  
  
Jongin nods, defeated. He knows why Soojung is doing this, too. Because she likes him. Soojung has never hidden her interest in him, always coming to his soccer games, sometimes watching his regular practices, too. She would do what he has wished for Sehee to do: to tell him he did great on the field, to bring him a cold drink and a lunch box, to shower him with attention.  
  
"She said she has a boyfriend, right?" Soojung adds. It's salt to his wounds, but maybe he needs it. Maybe he needs to be hurting more, enough for his heart to die, and with it his love for Sehee. Maybe then he can start anew, find a love like Sehee has, someone who is not his best friend, someone who doesn't know him that well yet. Someone... like Soojung? But why does it sound so impossible to his own ears?  
  
"And she's happy with him. What's his name? Minseok oppa? Some college student at Seoul National. Do you think she will look at you twice and fall in love with you when clearly, her ideal type is someone older, more capable, more mature? Someone who can take good care of her?"  
  
He shakes his head at her words, smiling now, because Jongin knows that is not the case. It's true, Sehee likes someone she can lean on, hence her choice of friends - Baekhee and Jongin, who both are protective of her - but that doesn't mean it has to be someone older. And someone more capable? Jongin can only laugh at that because he thinks he is pretty capable and mature. After all, Sehee has always gone to him with every of her problem, always believing in Jongin to solve whatever difficulty she is experiencing at the moment. Is that not proof of how capable of a man he is to her?  
  
"How would you know that?" He asks back, finally speaking up after letting Soojung do most of the talk. "Are you that close to her? Did she tell you about her ideal type? I don't think so."  
  
Soojung heaves a sigh at his reply. "You're in denial, Jongin, although you know very well that she will never love you, not in the same way you love her. And you know, it hurts to watch from the sideline."  
  
"No one said you had to watch. I don't need nor want your pity," he retorts.  
  
"You're right. I don't have to watch. I can act and do my part as well," she says. "So allow me to do my part."  
  
Soojung is looking at him with hopeful eyes, the same expression Sehee has worn whenever asking a relevant question - do I look okay? did I do well on my job? am I good enough? - so how can he say no? It's not like he could stop Soojung from doing anything she wants, just as how no one can stop Jongin from loving Sehee quietly.  
  
"Yeah," Jongin says after a silence that feels too heavy and too long. "You do your part, but I'll do mine."


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's been a while, i guess? hahaha. things didn't go as planned for me and tbh, things aren't still going fine, but i felt like writing this? it's odd, since i've been having writer's block for a while, but this chapter was easy to write, despite the angst. i always feel a bit sad when i write BOF bc i'm no different from you guys. i just want sehee and jongin to have their happy ending too ;u;
> 
> but yeah, i brought this upon myself when i decided to make this a slow build fic

There aren't many changes to his daily and weekly routine. Jongin gets up, goes to school, does homework and has three meals a day. He meets up with his friends occasionally, other times he gathers with classmates to work on projects, and then there are also times he spends with soccer club. It's not only practices, but a few matches as well, and the more Jongin plays, the better he can unwind. Thoughts of Sehee are pushed to the furthest corner of his mind, only returning when there's absolutely nothing to do.  
  
It's habit, he has realized, for his thoughts to wander in Sehee's direction, though by now he doesn't feel as hurt as before. It's not so much falling out of love, but rather, he is used to the situation now. After all, it's been what, a year? Almost a year since Sehee has been going out with Minseok, and judging by Sehee being all busy during the weekends, he guesses, that both Sehee and Minseok must be doing perfectly fine together. Obviously, Sehee is not going to be single anytime soon, and maybe she is even one of those lucky girls who end up marrying their first love and live her happily ever after.  
  
There's just that tiny bit of pain that he feels when he thinks that way, the dull ache probably never diminishing, but he knows that he will be happy, too, if Sehee were to find her soulmate and end up the happiest she could ever be. He really wishes for her heart to never be broken, for her smile to never crack, for her soul to remain unharmed by the harsh world. It's alright if all the misfortune is transferred to him instead. Sehee is too sweet, too pure, too-  
  
"Hey, Jongin."  
  
Jongin blinks, wakened from his reverie. Of course, that voice is Soojung's. Sehee's not in the same class as him anymore.  
  
"You were kind of dazed," Soojung says. Her gentle smile reminds him so much of Sehee's. How he wishes he would have his best friend next to him instead of Soojung. Of course, it's not fair to Soojung to think that way, but that is how he feels. If he could, he would have stopped loving Sehee long ago already, but feelings can't be controlled by the mind. They're just there, doing their own thing.  
  
"Are you okay?" Soojung asks.  
  
Jongin nods in reply. He can see the corner of Soojung's lips quivering just the slightest before they turn upwards more, by force. The girl is not happy with the way she is treated, yet does her best to keep her composure and continue smiling. It's what Jongin does as well, so he knows how she must be feeling. He forces himself to give her a tiny smile.  
  
"Yeah, don't worry," Jongin says, and this suddenly reminds him of the talk they had the other day. Would Soojung tell him that he was just pretending again? That he was still not over Sehee?  
  
"Okay," Soojung just says and places a lunchbox on his table, and unlike other times, Jongin doesn't make a fuss about it. He simply accepts the gesture. Soojung is a stubborn girl and he is tired of arguing with her. It's best to just go along with her whims - that is, if she's neither hurting his pride nor completely going against his principles.  
  
They are eating quietly, side by side today. Sehee has called in sick, so for Jongin, there is no reason to go to the overcrowded cafeteria to eat there. He decided to stay in the classroom, and Soojung doesn't seem to mind that either. She is now in a rather good mood he observes. Just by a short glance he can tell that her smile is now genuine.  
  
"It's nice like this," Soojung says. She is always the one striking up the conversation, while Jongin stays quiet. He doesn't know what to talk about with her. Not, because he isn't comfortable around her, but because he can't think of anything to tell her. They aren't as close as Jongin is with his other friends, and with Soojung crushing on him, it just makes him feel more awkward. Especially, since she had been more persistent, almost aggressive with her advances lately.  
  
"You know, you don't have to be so tense," Soojung tells him all of a sudden, gaining his attention again. She is smiling, but that smile isn't reaching her eyes. Usually they would crinkle, like Sehee's, but right now, they aren't.  
  
"I'm not going to force you into going out with me," Soojung says with a chuckle. She sounds bitter, her words mature. This is the biggest difference between her and Sehee. Soojung seems more thoughtful in an adult way, less naive and clumsy about the real world surrounding her, and Jongin can't tell if he likes that about her, or if he prefers Sehee's unawareness, her innocence. Soojung, differently than Sehee, would be more of a support, a pillar to lean on, rather than someone who could cheer him up and spur him on.  
  
"Just..." And now Jongin is seeing some vulnerability. Soojung isn't as composed as she probably wished she were for her voice is trembling. Jongin purposefully looks away, knowing that Soojung's eyes could be moist and a proud, confident girl like her would never want anyone to see her cry.  
  
"Just let me do my best to try make you fall for me," Soojung ends the sentence, and it's quiet after that. Neither Soojung nor Jongin say a word for a long time. They both don't move either, but Jongin feels obliged to say something, to comment. After speaking her mind, logically, Soojung must be waiting for a reply.  
  
But what can Jongin say? There's not much running through his mind. He wishes he would be smarter, that he knows the answer to every question in the world. But alas, he's only a kid and not even half as wise as he desires to be.  
  
"I know," is what he settles with. "And I won't stop you from doing so. We both know that it takes time, right? After all, I'm not just crushing on Sehee. I really, really love her with all my heart."  
  
The words leave his mouth without a filter. It's the first time he's spoken that out loud, and both Soojung and he are surprised about that.  
  
"This... this is the first time you've been so honest with me," Soojung says and maybe it's Jongin's imagination, but there's a hint of tinkling laughter in her voice. Her tone is light, teasing, and that takes off the weight from Jongin's shoulders. He didn't do anything wrong this time. Soojung is okay, she is not hurt by him, and he hopes he can continue this way.  
  
"It's not something I can say so easily," Jongin admits. "Love... it's not a word kids like us would use or understand. Not in _that_ way at least."  
  
"And yet you used it," Soojung remarks. He can feel her gaze on him, calm and steady. It doesn't make him nervous though. After telling her his greatest secret, there is nothing more to hide.  
  
"Because I'm sure of it," he says confidently. "Because that's exactly the way I feel about her. I want to keep Sehee happy by all means, even if I can't be the one right beside her. True love is not selfish, right?"  
  
"I wonder about that," Soojung murmurs. "Because everyone defines love in a different way."  
  
  
  
  
  
Later that night, Jongin thinks about his conversation with Soojung. At first, his mind was still occupied with his best friend, pondering if he should text her at such a late hour, but he decided against it. Sehee needs all the rest to recover from her cold. She had sounded pretty bad when he called her after soccer practice in the late afternoon.  
  
It's because he loves Sehee, that he does everything in his might to keep her happy and healthy, but what if he didn't? What if he was selfish and tried to do everything to make her his despite knowing that she might not like it? Would that mean that he wasn't actually in love with her?  
  
Soojung is right, too, when she said that everyone sees love in a different way. And maybe that is Soojung's kind of love - doing her best to make Jongin turn her way. not quite forcing him, but being persistent to the brink of annoying, bothering him, although she is aware that he doesn't appreciate it. Did Soojung hint at her true feelings, that they weren't just a crush, but actual love? It couldn't be, right?


End file.
